So much has happened since my last post! I feel like my brain is only now catching up. You know a lot of changes have taken place in your life really quickly when you go to your fairly new job and it's the most familiar thing in your day. I can say that I am doing quite amazing! There's been several changes, some of which I will talk about here and some that I won't, but all of them are good changes. It's been a crazy awesome adventure!
First of all, I've finally bucked under the iron-fisted intolerance against country music in my apartment. I have one roommate that dislikes the country and music in general and the other hates country music with a boiling passion. Here I am, the country girl who grew up on a farm and loved it. I'd noticed that I always listened to a country radio station when I visited my hometown. But I stopped listening to it over the past 3 years living in the city. When I cried on the way back to the city after visiting my old hometown is when I decided: "The heck with this! I'm going to listen to it!" It was like reclaiming territory that used to bring painful memories of my past. *cues video game victory music* Now it just brings up images of the beautiful mountains in my hometown and makes me feel peaceful. It makes me feel closer to home. This doesn't mean that I only listen to country music. My taste in music is ridiculously varied.
This past weekend I moved apartments. I'm in the same area. My new apartment is literally down the road from my old one. It's confusing when I come home from work because the route is so familiar. I haven't accidentally gone to the wrong place yet though. Had some close calls. The new place is smaller and I love that about it! It's interesting, but a smaller place helps with my anxiety. The city chafes against my anxiety so anything that makes my environment more simple serves to counteract that effect. I feel like I can breath in this place.
On the Assassin Training front, I have made great progress! After some trouble with sugar withdraws (my sugar intake was ridiculous when it came to drinks) I have arrived at my goal of drinking just water! Anything else is every great once in a while. Water is now my go to drink. I feel fantastic! Not just because I reached a goal, I physically feel great! Plus, an added bonus is I'm still steadily losing weight. The other morning I reached the 5th hole in my belt. I used to only be able to reach the 1st! I don't own a scale and I don't plan to own a scale. It helps keep my focus on my health instead of obsessing about weight.
If you're wondering about this post's title, yes, I did roast some Twizzlers. They were surprisingly delicious!
I've started a 2nd job doing childcare at my church during our freedom and recovery ministry nights. Working with children is a challenge for me. Usually I attend a group during these nights, but it looks like Jesus has a class just for me. It's called childcare. It's challenging, stretching, healing, and so much fun. My anxiety immediately jumps when I'm around children. They're so innocent and vulnerable. So trusting. They always pull me out of my shell, whether I want to be out of my shell or not. Slowly, Jesus is reminding me how to just simply trust, love, and be myself. I usually start out intensely uncomfortable and anxious and eventually I'm sitting down playing with the kids, remembering how to let go and be a kid myself. I truly believe being in touch in your inner kid is very spiritually healthy. It reminds us that we aren't in control, we're totally dependent on a Daddy who loves us more than we can possibly imagine.
There were many fun adventures hanging out with those little ones! Two of them decided they wanted to bond with me. So they threw me in jail. I tried to talk my way out of it. I asked passing kids if they would bail me out or bust me out. One kid was tempted, but then just smiled at me and walked away. I was all like "I thought we were tight!" lol. I argued that they didn't read me my Miranda Rights. Of course that didn't work. Then I got creative. I glanced at my prison guards and said: "Oh, it looks like you accidentally built my cell out of chocolate" and I ate my way out of jail. I was re-arrested about 3 steps from my cell. After a few more escape attempts I finally turned to one of them and asked, "What was my crime?" The response: "You bit a dragon!" . . . . . . My bad! Lol. After that clarification they pulled the whole good cop bad cop routine on me. These kids are awesome!
I have so many fun stories from childcare! I want to write about all of them, but that would make my post really really long and it's already long. I will mention that there was a little girl who decided that her baby doll's name was "Cereal." This kid is going places. I could feel my time with these kids healing my heart. I came out of my shell and actually got comfortable. I was safe and they were safe. They trusted me and felt safe with me and I started accepting that. My lap became a popular seat during that Veggie Tales movie we watched and I started to learn that it's okay to hold them. They're safe with me. I've been afraid around children for years because I blamed myself for the abuse in my past. I thought that if I was around them, I would somehow infect them with whatever badness was inside me that caused my hurt. On a mind level, I know that's not true. But sometimes it takes more than head knowledge to reach those hurt places in the heart. So many times Jesus heals people with people.
And that's simply beautiful.
Showing posts with label childcare. Show all posts
Showing posts with label childcare. Show all posts
Friday, November 7, 2014
Monday, October 20, 2014
Conquering Fears
There's a phrase in the Bible that for several weeks I kept hearing over and over: Be strong and courageous. It was in the verse I received at my church's leadership retreat. It was the verse of the day when I shadowed at kids' church. I kept running across it in my personal Bible reading. It popped up in encouragement from friends and in messages. As I was looking over the past several days since my last post, I noticed a similar theme. Left and right I have been facing and overcoming fears.
Fear #1
I was recently asked if I was interested in being employed by my church to do childcare during different events. Shortly after high school, in the middle of my PTSD taking off, I developed really high anxiety around children. I would look at them and they were just so vulnerable and innocent. I was so anxious and scared for them. I was still struggling with self blame for the abuse I had just escaped and so I feared that there was something wrong with me. That since I felt I had caused my own abuse, children weren't safe around me. It sounds nuts, but that's the sort of logic that was at work in my head. I even shied away from hugs and holding my little siblings hands. I didn't want to infect them with whatever was bad inside me.
After many years of healing work with Jesus, I can see that my logic was severely flawed and that children are safe around me. Therefore, I shouldn't be anxious around them. Enter this employment opportunity. Leading up to this, I felt that Jesus had been gently telling me that it was time to let that fear go. I had correct logic, but I was still holding onto the fear. So I took the plunge and shadowed at childcare. That essentially means that I jumped into interaction with the kids. There was no standing back and observing. I found that I wasn't really afraid anymore. I was the only one holding me back. I had a blast with those little kids. All I had to do was let go and just be myself. The rest came naturally. Those kids are awesome! I just felt my heart grow a little bigger with each little face I connected with. I got to shadow the preschool room one night and the baby room another night.
Fear #2
My second fear face off was much scarier. I was always a tomboy growing up. I was a tough kid with the "anything you can do I can do better" attitude. Most girls were afraid of so many things, but I would challenge myself with fears in an attempt to out-courage my brother and the other boys. I was so competitive with my brother. So, this second fear is a little embarrassing. It was a bug. Now, let me defend myself here lol. It was a centipede. Some of those suckers can bite and kill me because of my allergy to bee stings. It wasn't just a centipede, though that was bad enough by itself. It was a house centipede. This is what they look like:
It looks like the unholy offspring of a centipede and a spider. I've read that these little demons can bite and sting. To top it off, they are very fast. I just happened to notice a dark spot on the wall on the stair landing. I turned on the light and immediately felt ill. I knew I had to kill it. I could not breath comfortably in my apartment until it was destroyed. I was shaking and had to shoo it out of different corners so I could get a good shot at it with a heavy shoe. At one point I was cut off from the front door and seriously considered myself trapped in my own apartment. He was just so fast! And CREEPY!!! I took aim and missed more than once. When I finally got him I felt some relief, but it wasn't enough to soothe me from the fact that those things exist and one was in my apartment! I was alone in my apartment! Every time I see a centipede I yell for help and someone else rescues me. This time, I had to fight that battle myself, and I won. But I'm still really creeped out and can't wait to move to my new apartment next month. *involuntary shudder*
Fear #3
For more than several weeks I've been battling with super sensitive teeth on one side of my mouth. I hoped it would go away, but by now I'm naturally only chewing on one side of my mouth and avoiding cold foods. I finally picked up the phone today and called the dentist. They scheduled me for later the same day! Ahhhh!!!! I usually freak out for a full 48 hours before seeing the dentist. That was reduced to less than 3 hours. I struggle with dentist visits because I find them very triggering. I'd never gone to the dentist alone. Last time I went with 2 support people. This time, I was alone. I got brave and chose to go for it. To my amazement, I did fantastic! I had a male dentist; that's a trigger. I had to have an x ray; that's a big trigger. It was scary, uncomfortable, and triggering. I had to focus on breathing and staying calm, but I got through it and didn't have a panic attack or start shaking. I literally fist pumped as I walked out the door and video game victory music was playing in my head lol. I feel so strong to have faced one of my big triggers alone and handle it well!
Fear #4
In process.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
Fear #1
I was recently asked if I was interested in being employed by my church to do childcare during different events. Shortly after high school, in the middle of my PTSD taking off, I developed really high anxiety around children. I would look at them and they were just so vulnerable and innocent. I was so anxious and scared for them. I was still struggling with self blame for the abuse I had just escaped and so I feared that there was something wrong with me. That since I felt I had caused my own abuse, children weren't safe around me. It sounds nuts, but that's the sort of logic that was at work in my head. I even shied away from hugs and holding my little siblings hands. I didn't want to infect them with whatever was bad inside me.
After many years of healing work with Jesus, I can see that my logic was severely flawed and that children are safe around me. Therefore, I shouldn't be anxious around them. Enter this employment opportunity. Leading up to this, I felt that Jesus had been gently telling me that it was time to let that fear go. I had correct logic, but I was still holding onto the fear. So I took the plunge and shadowed at childcare. That essentially means that I jumped into interaction with the kids. There was no standing back and observing. I found that I wasn't really afraid anymore. I was the only one holding me back. I had a blast with those little kids. All I had to do was let go and just be myself. The rest came naturally. Those kids are awesome! I just felt my heart grow a little bigger with each little face I connected with. I got to shadow the preschool room one night and the baby room another night.
Fear #2
My second fear face off was much scarier. I was always a tomboy growing up. I was a tough kid with the "anything you can do I can do better" attitude. Most girls were afraid of so many things, but I would challenge myself with fears in an attempt to out-courage my brother and the other boys. I was so competitive with my brother. So, this second fear is a little embarrassing. It was a bug. Now, let me defend myself here lol. It was a centipede. Some of those suckers can bite and kill me because of my allergy to bee stings. It wasn't just a centipede, though that was bad enough by itself. It was a house centipede. This is what they look like:
It looks like the unholy offspring of a centipede and a spider. I've read that these little demons can bite and sting. To top it off, they are very fast. I just happened to notice a dark spot on the wall on the stair landing. I turned on the light and immediately felt ill. I knew I had to kill it. I could not breath comfortably in my apartment until it was destroyed. I was shaking and had to shoo it out of different corners so I could get a good shot at it with a heavy shoe. At one point I was cut off from the front door and seriously considered myself trapped in my own apartment. He was just so fast! And CREEPY!!! I took aim and missed more than once. When I finally got him I felt some relief, but it wasn't enough to soothe me from the fact that those things exist and one was in my apartment! I was alone in my apartment! Every time I see a centipede I yell for help and someone else rescues me. This time, I had to fight that battle myself, and I won. But I'm still really creeped out and can't wait to move to my new apartment next month. *involuntary shudder*
Fear #3
For more than several weeks I've been battling with super sensitive teeth on one side of my mouth. I hoped it would go away, but by now I'm naturally only chewing on one side of my mouth and avoiding cold foods. I finally picked up the phone today and called the dentist. They scheduled me for later the same day! Ahhhh!!!! I usually freak out for a full 48 hours before seeing the dentist. That was reduced to less than 3 hours. I struggle with dentist visits because I find them very triggering. I'd never gone to the dentist alone. Last time I went with 2 support people. This time, I was alone. I got brave and chose to go for it. To my amazement, I did fantastic! I had a male dentist; that's a trigger. I had to have an x ray; that's a big trigger. It was scary, uncomfortable, and triggering. I had to focus on breathing and staying calm, but I got through it and didn't have a panic attack or start shaking. I literally fist pumped as I walked out the door and video game victory music was playing in my head lol. I feel so strong to have faced one of my big triggers alone and handle it well!
Fear #4
In process.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
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