Fear #1
I was recently asked if I was interested in being employed by my church to do childcare during different events. Shortly after high school, in the middle of my PTSD taking off, I developed really high anxiety around children. I would look at them and they were just so vulnerable and innocent. I was so anxious and scared for them. I was still struggling with self blame for the abuse I had just escaped and so I feared that there was something wrong with me. That since I felt I had caused my own abuse, children weren't safe around me. It sounds nuts, but that's the sort of logic that was at work in my head. I even shied away from hugs and holding my little siblings hands. I didn't want to infect them with whatever was bad inside me.
After many years of healing work with Jesus, I can see that my logic was severely flawed and that children are safe around me. Therefore, I shouldn't be anxious around them. Enter this employment opportunity. Leading up to this, I felt that Jesus had been gently telling me that it was time to let that fear go. I had correct logic, but I was still holding onto the fear. So I took the plunge and shadowed at childcare. That essentially means that I jumped into interaction with the kids. There was no standing back and observing. I found that I wasn't really afraid anymore. I was the only one holding me back. I had a blast with those little kids. All I had to do was let go and just be myself. The rest came naturally. Those kids are awesome! I just felt my heart grow a little bigger with each little face I connected with. I got to shadow the preschool room one night and the baby room another night.
Fear #2
My second fear face off was much scarier. I was always a tomboy growing up. I was a tough kid with the "anything you can do I can do better" attitude. Most girls were afraid of so many things, but I would challenge myself with fears in an attempt to out-courage my brother and the other boys. I was so competitive with my brother. So, this second fear is a little embarrassing. It was a bug. Now, let me defend myself here lol. It was a centipede. Some of those suckers can bite and kill me because of my allergy to bee stings. It wasn't just a centipede, though that was bad enough by itself. It was a house centipede. This is what they look like:
It looks like the unholy offspring of a centipede and a spider. I've read that these little demons can bite and sting. To top it off, they are very fast. I just happened to notice a dark spot on the wall on the stair landing. I turned on the light and immediately felt ill. I knew I had to kill it. I could not breath comfortably in my apartment until it was destroyed. I was shaking and had to shoo it out of different corners so I could get a good shot at it with a heavy shoe. At one point I was cut off from the front door and seriously considered myself trapped in my own apartment. He was just so fast! And CREEPY!!! I took aim and missed more than once. When I finally got him I felt some relief, but it wasn't enough to soothe me from the fact that those things exist and one was in my apartment! I was alone in my apartment! Every time I see a centipede I yell for help and someone else rescues me. This time, I had to fight that battle myself, and I won. But I'm still really creeped out and can't wait to move to my new apartment next month. *involuntary shudder*
Fear #3
For more than several weeks I've been battling with super sensitive teeth on one side of my mouth. I hoped it would go away, but by now I'm naturally only chewing on one side of my mouth and avoiding cold foods. I finally picked up the phone today and called the dentist. They scheduled me for later the same day! Ahhhh!!!! I usually freak out for a full 48 hours before seeing the dentist. That was reduced to less than 3 hours. I struggle with dentist visits because I find them very triggering. I'd never gone to the dentist alone. Last time I went with 2 support people. This time, I was alone. I got brave and chose to go for it. To my amazement, I did fantastic! I had a male dentist; that's a trigger. I had to have an x ray; that's a big trigger. It was scary, uncomfortable, and triggering. I had to focus on breathing and staying calm, but I got through it and didn't have a panic attack or start shaking. I literally fist pumped as I walked out the door and video game victory music was playing in my head lol. I feel so strong to have faced one of my big triggers alone and handle it well!
Fear #4
In process.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
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