A Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

It got to the point that it was all so ridiculous that I laughed. That has happened to me once before. I was a freshman in college. It felt like my world had fallen apart. I was struggling with so much from my past and my present. I could only live one day at a time because I didn't have enough hope to spread to tomorrow. I was having panic attacks regularly. I flipped from numb to horrible flashbacks daily. I couldn't sleep, I had terrible nightmares. I felt so alone and isolated and I didn't know how to ask for help. Depression hit me hard, and I didn't know it, but I also had PTSD. I was constantly holding back tears. I was leaving my English Comp I class thinking it just couldn't get much worse. Then I stepped out the door and it immediately started to rain. It was such a comedic moment. Of course when someone says that on TV or in a movie there's an immediate downpour. I looked up at the sky in disbelief and then burst out laughing. I truly believe that God has a sense of humor and that rain was one of those times. I smiled and thanked God for such a simple, funny, close moment with Him. Since that moment, I have loved getting caught in the rain. I'll stand in a downpour and let the rain soak me. I'll play in the puddles and dance and laugh. Every time I play in the rain it reminds me of that moment with Jesus, when things felt like they just couldn't get any worse and He was right there with me.

This time it didn't rain, but the ridiculousness of it reminded me sharply of that moment 7 years ago. It spanned more than a day and it was a big jumble of crummy circumstances made worse by depression and anxiety. I've been homesick since the last time I visited my hometown. I cried when I left and I don't even know why. I live 2 hours away from my hometown and my roommates had the idea that if we moved to a small city just south of our current city, we would be close enough to commute to work and church and cut the drive to visit friends and family almost in half. So we decided to take a day and drive down there and check out potential apartments. It was a nightmare. Yes, it was smaller and more country, but I couldn't see any of the countryside. The fog was thick all day. It was like the clouds had gotten tired and fallen down onto the earth. The weather had a marked effect on my mood. My depression fed off it like it was cheesecake. The downtown area, which we passed through like a billion times, was oppressive. Just complicated to begin with, plus construction. We had a long list of places to look at. We didn't like any of them. The likely places didn't accept cats or demanded they be declawed. We got tired. I got carsick plus a headache. I had to reschedule my chiropractor appointment (I threw out my back) so we could apartment search. We gave up after a while and drove back to our apartment.

Later one of my roommates asked to borrow my car so she could babysit. Of course I said yes. A few hours later I got a frantic call. My car's gas pedal stopped working. My roommate pulled over to the side of the road and cut the engine. Then the car refused to start. Another roommate and I drove to find her, bickering along the way. The day had worn on us all. It was dark and windy. There was a constant cold drizzle and cars swept by us at alarming speeds. I checked my car, the battery was stone cold dead. We had a gadget to jump off the car. It took us a long time to pop the hood because we couldn't see. None of us had flashlights on our phones. Once we got the hood open, I connected the cables. The gadget's battery was dead as well. So we dangerously maneuvered my roommate's car to face mine and jumped off my car the old fashioned way. That's right, 3 girls successfully jumped off a car! But on the way home, my car's gas pedal stopped working 3 or 4 times. It looked like my car would be stranded more than once. I made it to a gas station and filled up the tank and put in a gas treatment to clean out any bad gas or water from my tank. It wasn't bad gas or water. It didn't help at all lol. I had to park on the street and walk up the hill to my apartment. I wasn't about to risk a hill with a faulty gas pedal. I had to force myself to eat supper because that day just took my appetite away.

I had a lot of trouble sleeping. My anxiety went into overdrive. I had scattered dreams and woke up frantically several times and had to coach myself to calm down. I was worrying about everything, absolutely everything. It's funny when I look back at it, but it was terrible to live through lol. I needed to sleep well because I had work the next day, my dad was coming up to help fix my car, and I was scheduled to serve at church. Work is stressful sometimes because I get mixed signals on what's expected of me. What if something horrible was wrong with my car? We're moving to another apartment next month and we still don't have an apartment lined up to move into. What if my depression gets worse? I'm so homesick. Will I ever not miss my hometown? I could lose my health insurance any day because my dad could be laid off any day now. I have to get my own insurance soon, I'm about to turn 26. How am I going to afford it? I have no idea how to buy insurance. What if I hurt my back worse at work? My grandpa wants me to go back to school and get my Masters degree. I have no idea what I want to do. Should I tell the guy I like that I like him? What if that's a bad idea? Should girls tell guys they like them or is that tacky, there's so many mixed signals here! What if he doesn't like me back? I have 3 jobs, will I ever pay off my student loans? This is just a sample of all the crazy things that were going through my mind.

The next day another roommate drove me to work. She had to work as well, so I had to arrive at work an hour early. I wasn't able to serve at church due to having to fix my car while my dad was available to help. I actually didn't have a meltdown this time. It finally dipped into the "so ridiculous that it's funny" point while I was at work. I somehow managed to destroy my clothes. It was at that point that I smiled and just shook my head. I remembered that sudden rain 7 years ago and I had peace that no matter how many bad things happen, Jesus has the whole world in His hands. I'm not alone and I'm not abandoned. He has me and He takes care of me. He got me through before and I know His love is unfailing and His faithfulness never ends. He never has a second thought about me and is always for me. No matter what happens, I really have nothing to worry about, even when I can't see that.

Since that moment, my brain has flipped a bit and started back towards normalcy. I've noticed a pattern. I have some good, peaceful time. Then my anxiety and depression spike. Then I come back to the peace. It sounds awful. But I always have hope. Even when I can't see the hope that I have, my Hope still sees me.

Thanks for reading!