It's funny the way God works sometimes. I've said before that I have PTSD. Because of my disorder I have had a lot of trouble feeling safe around men. I used to be completely terrified of men. I couldn't trust them or relax around them. Now I find myself working with 95% men. Where am I working, you might ask. I am working in the auto industry. I never saw that one coming. I've been curious and interested but I never saw it actually happening. I studied psychology and religion in college. My family hoped for me to go into the medical field and I thought I was going into the mental health field. Now cars lol. God works in mysterious and amazing ways.
I must say, with my PTSD you would think that my days would be filled with anxiety with so many men around. But the opposite has happened. I get so many safe vibes from so many men! It's really encouraging to feel safe around men. I've missed having male presence in my life. For so many years I've avoided men and surrounded myself with women. But there's something that only men can bring to the table. There's a strength there that's different from the strength of a woman and human beings need both of those strengths. I know God is using this to heal me and I'm very encouraged by this progress.
This job has also been great for my confidence in general. When I first started working I was quiet and nervous, slow to trust people. I was very nervous driving the company cars. I'm an auto parts delivery driver. It took a little bit to adjust to the relaxed atmosphere (soooo different from retail!). I also steadily started to gain confidence behind the wheel. Driving is something I knew I could do. However, I live in a city and traffic up here is a constant challenge and often a death trap. I was unfamiliar with the section of the city that I driving in. It was also December and I believe I've already stated that December is my hardest month with anxiety. Also, it's company policy for delivery drivers to back into parking spaces. I swore off driving in reverse unless absolutely necessary when I moved to the city. I could do it and do it well in the countryside where I'm from, but the city was a whole different ball game.
Fast forward to January. I'm relaxed in the crazy traffic that I encounter nearly every day. It does nothing to my anxiety level. I'm learning the layout of the city. My mental map is constantly being updated. This road over here somehow connects to this area of town that I'm familiar with and this shortcut will get me to the interstate the fastest. This updating knowledge, by itself, is a huge confidence booster. I know where I am and where I'm going, most of the time anyway. The practice with backing into parking spaces is showing amazing results. I've gotten some of my old confidence back. It's different in the city, but the muscle memory is coming back. But that's not the best part!
One day I clocked in at work and checked the key drawer. We have several company cars and several drivers. All the keys for the cars were taken. What was left? A key for the truck. I had never driven a truck in my entire life. I wasn't even sure I could reach the pedals and see over the steering wheel at the same time. I'm a staggering 4 ft 9in tall. My manager laughed and told me to take it for a spin and see how I do. So I did. It's funny the things you discover about yourself. I'm a natural at driving a truck! I got into that truck and drove it easier and better than I drive my own car! It was fun too! Trucks lift you up off the road a bit more and I could see everything! A few days later, I found myself driving the big truck. Not the small truck, the big truck. We're talking a Ford F150 XL. I literally have to climb into the cab. My feet don't reach the floor when I drive. But I can drive it and drive it well! I'll admit, my first time in the big truck I did let out an evil laugh when I pulled out for the first time. You feel powerful driving something that big. Feeling powerful is something I'm not used to feeling, so it put a big smile on my face. I felt so confident!
That's all for now! Thank you for reading, and until next time __________________________.
This space intentionally left blank
-Jerelle
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Saturday, January 17, 2015
January Presents: Duck Lake
Forget Swan Lake, though it is graceful and full of talent. I had the pleasure of stumbling across a performance today that delighted and brought out the child in even the grumpiest and heaviest of hearts. One look and I couldn't help but smile. In fact, I couldn't keep that smile off my face. I was spending some time in one of my safe places in the city today. The day was full of errands, but when I find myself near this safe place I try to always visit and just take in the calm atmosphere. It's grounding and floods me with a sense of safety. But today Jesus had a surprise for me.
I looked out the big glass windows of my safe place (an indoor fountain in a bookstore) and caught sight of the pond outside. In warm months I often go outside to watch the ducks. There are little pellet dispensers near the water and families with small children frequent the place. Today the water had transformed into a solid mass of ice. I've been told my whole life that birds fly south for the winter, but the ducks were still there. They were ice skating on the pond! Well, more like slipping and sliding. It was so adorable! Little kids were throwing pellets and bits of bread to the ducks and the scramble for the food on the ice was so cute. Often wild animals are viewed as majestic, but just for a moment imagine a duck slipping backwards and falling on its behind.
After some observation I noticed that one duck in particular had discovered how to efficiently travel on the ice. I am not kidding, this duck was actually, legitimately skating. Whereas the other ducks were running and stumbling, slipping and sliding, he was calculated and graceful. I was inspired. Honestly, if I'd had the equipment I would have shot a video. Sometimes I'm a bit upset with myself that I've let shyness keep me from getting into podcasting and making videos. There are so many little moments that kindle that desire in me. I've had moments when I've pulled out a camera and hit record. Then I wrestle forever with the idea of uploading it online. I've been making progress with that lately, but I haven't gone public or really told anyone about it yet. Spoilers.
On a side note, just for fun. It makes me really happy that in the music video for Fifth Harmony's song, Sledgehammer, they have a man dancing with a sledgehammer!
That's all I have for this time! Thanks for reading!
I looked out the big glass windows of my safe place (an indoor fountain in a bookstore) and caught sight of the pond outside. In warm months I often go outside to watch the ducks. There are little pellet dispensers near the water and families with small children frequent the place. Today the water had transformed into a solid mass of ice. I've been told my whole life that birds fly south for the winter, but the ducks were still there. They were ice skating on the pond! Well, more like slipping and sliding. It was so adorable! Little kids were throwing pellets and bits of bread to the ducks and the scramble for the food on the ice was so cute. Often wild animals are viewed as majestic, but just for a moment imagine a duck slipping backwards and falling on its behind.
After some observation I noticed that one duck in particular had discovered how to efficiently travel on the ice. I am not kidding, this duck was actually, legitimately skating. Whereas the other ducks were running and stumbling, slipping and sliding, he was calculated and graceful. I was inspired. Honestly, if I'd had the equipment I would have shot a video. Sometimes I'm a bit upset with myself that I've let shyness keep me from getting into podcasting and making videos. There are so many little moments that kindle that desire in me. I've had moments when I've pulled out a camera and hit record. Then I wrestle forever with the idea of uploading it online. I've been making progress with that lately, but I haven't gone public or really told anyone about it yet. Spoilers.
On a side note, just for fun. It makes me really happy that in the music video for Fifth Harmony's song, Sledgehammer, they have a man dancing with a sledgehammer!
That's all I have for this time! Thanks for reading!
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Steak 'N Shake It Off
It has been such a long time since I got to write! Anxiety has that effect on me. The more anxious I get the harder it is for me to focus on things I enjoy like writing, video games, or even just reading a book. December is usually my worst month when it comes to anxiety and it tends to increase as Christmas gets closer. Once Christmas is over I stabilize again. *Shrugs* Living with PTSD, there are good days and bad days. The trick is enjoying the good days and not letting the bad days drag you down. PTSD is hard enough without constantly putting yourself down about the bad days. I say that though I often find myself putting myself down for bad days. It's kinda part of the symptom cluster, but I try to be kind to myself. If you're reading this and you have PTSD, take a deep breath. It's okay. We'll get through this. Don't believe the lie that it will never get better.
Since I'm on the subject of Christmas and PTSD I will include an update. This month I felt like I was going up in flames. Each day was harder and I had quite a few bad PTSD episodes. Thankfully God gave me safe people in my life that I can turn to when things get hard. The thing about PTSD is you can't recover on your own. It takes opening up and trusting other people, letting them be there for you, and believing that you can overcome this. When other people believe in you it's easier to believe in yourself too. This Christmas a true miracle happened. I stood up for myself, set boundaries, refused to pick up guilt I shouldn't carry, and resolved to leave and take care of myself if my boundaries weren't honored. That is a miracle in and of itself, but what really got me was that when I stood up for myself and set my boundaries, the boundaries were honored! I could feel God in the room with me, being my strength. It was a great moment and a huge victory. I look back at it now and I feel so strong and encouraged. I have a voice and it matters.
Now that I'm coming down from my super high anxiety I can take a deep breath and just relax, let all the stress fall off of my shoulders. I got a beautiful moment with friends to do just that. I had a girls' night out. Now, I'm not the girly type. I didn't play with Barbie dolls or go to sleepovers where the highlight was giving each other makeovers and wearing those weird mud masks. I live with two other women and we are so close we consider one another family. With the holidays and jobs and visiting family we haven't had a lot of time to just hang out together. So we planned an evening together for just us girls. Since we all had gift cards for the place, we went to Steak 'N Shake for dinner. Of course, since we're all book lovers we swung by the bookstore. There's something relaxing and just fun about bookstores. I don't know what it is. Our favorite is Half Price Books. Just like the name suggests, we find a lot of bargains there, though most of the time I just like to browse and take in the bookstore atmosphere. Maybe it's just the feeling of so many ideas and creativity in one place.
On the way home we got a little spontaneous and had a car dance party. Well, two of us had a car dance party. Someone had to be an adult and drive safely (it wasn't me!). The song Shake It Off came on and without planning or saying a word to each other we just started to car dance. You know the dances you only really do in a car because you're strapped to your seat and have limited space to work with. I'm a dancer. I would say used to be a dancer, but the love for dancing is still alive and restless in me. I haven't really danced in so many years. Dancing requires you to use your body to do something amazing and creative. My PTSD of course likes to wreak havoc with that. Dancing also used to bring up painful memories for me, but that's something I'm happy to say is being redeemed. So participating in a car dance party was a big step for me and I loved it! It felt so freeing and healing to just let go and give expression to the dance in me that has been caged for so long. It was also a bonding experience with my friends. So many times I wouldn't participate in spontaneous dancing with them. I would want to, but it hurt and I was afraid. I saw my friend's eyes light up when I started dancing with her. We're close and she knows my wounds. So our dancing was pure fun plus celebration. We rocked it and I'm sure people in the other cars were staring. Let them stare! It was fun!
You know what? Just blogging again and sharing this makes me smile. I've struggled in the past with feeling guilty for being happy. But right now I'm happy, and that's perfectly okay. I'm simply happy and simply loved.
Thanks for reading!
Since I'm on the subject of Christmas and PTSD I will include an update. This month I felt like I was going up in flames. Each day was harder and I had quite a few bad PTSD episodes. Thankfully God gave me safe people in my life that I can turn to when things get hard. The thing about PTSD is you can't recover on your own. It takes opening up and trusting other people, letting them be there for you, and believing that you can overcome this. When other people believe in you it's easier to believe in yourself too. This Christmas a true miracle happened. I stood up for myself, set boundaries, refused to pick up guilt I shouldn't carry, and resolved to leave and take care of myself if my boundaries weren't honored. That is a miracle in and of itself, but what really got me was that when I stood up for myself and set my boundaries, the boundaries were honored! I could feel God in the room with me, being my strength. It was a great moment and a huge victory. I look back at it now and I feel so strong and encouraged. I have a voice and it matters.
Now that I'm coming down from my super high anxiety I can take a deep breath and just relax, let all the stress fall off of my shoulders. I got a beautiful moment with friends to do just that. I had a girls' night out. Now, I'm not the girly type. I didn't play with Barbie dolls or go to sleepovers where the highlight was giving each other makeovers and wearing those weird mud masks. I live with two other women and we are so close we consider one another family. With the holidays and jobs and visiting family we haven't had a lot of time to just hang out together. So we planned an evening together for just us girls. Since we all had gift cards for the place, we went to Steak 'N Shake for dinner. Of course, since we're all book lovers we swung by the bookstore. There's something relaxing and just fun about bookstores. I don't know what it is. Our favorite is Half Price Books. Just like the name suggests, we find a lot of bargains there, though most of the time I just like to browse and take in the bookstore atmosphere. Maybe it's just the feeling of so many ideas and creativity in one place.
On the way home we got a little spontaneous and had a car dance party. Well, two of us had a car dance party. Someone had to be an adult and drive safely (it wasn't me!). The song Shake It Off came on and without planning or saying a word to each other we just started to car dance. You know the dances you only really do in a car because you're strapped to your seat and have limited space to work with. I'm a dancer. I would say used to be a dancer, but the love for dancing is still alive and restless in me. I haven't really danced in so many years. Dancing requires you to use your body to do something amazing and creative. My PTSD of course likes to wreak havoc with that. Dancing also used to bring up painful memories for me, but that's something I'm happy to say is being redeemed. So participating in a car dance party was a big step for me and I loved it! It felt so freeing and healing to just let go and give expression to the dance in me that has been caged for so long. It was also a bonding experience with my friends. So many times I wouldn't participate in spontaneous dancing with them. I would want to, but it hurt and I was afraid. I saw my friend's eyes light up when I started dancing with her. We're close and she knows my wounds. So our dancing was pure fun plus celebration. We rocked it and I'm sure people in the other cars were staring. Let them stare! It was fun!
You know what? Just blogging again and sharing this makes me smile. I've struggled in the past with feeling guilty for being happy. But right now I'm happy, and that's perfectly okay. I'm simply happy and simply loved.
Thanks for reading!
Friday, November 7, 2014
Roasted Twizzlers And Other Adventures
So much has happened since my last post! I feel like my brain is only now catching up. You know a lot of changes have taken place in your life really quickly when you go to your fairly new job and it's the most familiar thing in your day. I can say that I am doing quite amazing! There's been several changes, some of which I will talk about here and some that I won't, but all of them are good changes. It's been a crazy awesome adventure!
First of all, I've finally bucked under the iron-fisted intolerance against country music in my apartment. I have one roommate that dislikes the country and music in general and the other hates country music with a boiling passion. Here I am, the country girl who grew up on a farm and loved it. I'd noticed that I always listened to a country radio station when I visited my hometown. But I stopped listening to it over the past 3 years living in the city. When I cried on the way back to the city after visiting my old hometown is when I decided: "The heck with this! I'm going to listen to it!" It was like reclaiming territory that used to bring painful memories of my past. *cues video game victory music* Now it just brings up images of the beautiful mountains in my hometown and makes me feel peaceful. It makes me feel closer to home. This doesn't mean that I only listen to country music. My taste in music is ridiculously varied.
This past weekend I moved apartments. I'm in the same area. My new apartment is literally down the road from my old one. It's confusing when I come home from work because the route is so familiar. I haven't accidentally gone to the wrong place yet though. Had some close calls. The new place is smaller and I love that about it! It's interesting, but a smaller place helps with my anxiety. The city chafes against my anxiety so anything that makes my environment more simple serves to counteract that effect. I feel like I can breath in this place.
On the Assassin Training front, I have made great progress! After some trouble with sugar withdraws (my sugar intake was ridiculous when it came to drinks) I have arrived at my goal of drinking just water! Anything else is every great once in a while. Water is now my go to drink. I feel fantastic! Not just because I reached a goal, I physically feel great! Plus, an added bonus is I'm still steadily losing weight. The other morning I reached the 5th hole in my belt. I used to only be able to reach the 1st! I don't own a scale and I don't plan to own a scale. It helps keep my focus on my health instead of obsessing about weight.
If you're wondering about this post's title, yes, I did roast some Twizzlers. They were surprisingly delicious!
I've started a 2nd job doing childcare at my church during our freedom and recovery ministry nights. Working with children is a challenge for me. Usually I attend a group during these nights, but it looks like Jesus has a class just for me. It's called childcare. It's challenging, stretching, healing, and so much fun. My anxiety immediately jumps when I'm around children. They're so innocent and vulnerable. So trusting. They always pull me out of my shell, whether I want to be out of my shell or not. Slowly, Jesus is reminding me how to just simply trust, love, and be myself. I usually start out intensely uncomfortable and anxious and eventually I'm sitting down playing with the kids, remembering how to let go and be a kid myself. I truly believe being in touch in your inner kid is very spiritually healthy. It reminds us that we aren't in control, we're totally dependent on a Daddy who loves us more than we can possibly imagine.
There were many fun adventures hanging out with those little ones! Two of them decided they wanted to bond with me. So they threw me in jail. I tried to talk my way out of it. I asked passing kids if they would bail me out or bust me out. One kid was tempted, but then just smiled at me and walked away. I was all like "I thought we were tight!" lol. I argued that they didn't read me my Miranda Rights. Of course that didn't work. Then I got creative. I glanced at my prison guards and said: "Oh, it looks like you accidentally built my cell out of chocolate" and I ate my way out of jail. I was re-arrested about 3 steps from my cell. After a few more escape attempts I finally turned to one of them and asked, "What was my crime?" The response: "You bit a dragon!" . . . . . . My bad! Lol. After that clarification they pulled the whole good cop bad cop routine on me. These kids are awesome!
I have so many fun stories from childcare! I want to write about all of them, but that would make my post really really long and it's already long. I will mention that there was a little girl who decided that her baby doll's name was "Cereal." This kid is going places. I could feel my time with these kids healing my heart. I came out of my shell and actually got comfortable. I was safe and they were safe. They trusted me and felt safe with me and I started accepting that. My lap became a popular seat during that Veggie Tales movie we watched and I started to learn that it's okay to hold them. They're safe with me. I've been afraid around children for years because I blamed myself for the abuse in my past. I thought that if I was around them, I would somehow infect them with whatever badness was inside me that caused my hurt. On a mind level, I know that's not true. But sometimes it takes more than head knowledge to reach those hurt places in the heart. So many times Jesus heals people with people.
And that's simply beautiful.
First of all, I've finally bucked under the iron-fisted intolerance against country music in my apartment. I have one roommate that dislikes the country and music in general and the other hates country music with a boiling passion. Here I am, the country girl who grew up on a farm and loved it. I'd noticed that I always listened to a country radio station when I visited my hometown. But I stopped listening to it over the past 3 years living in the city. When I cried on the way back to the city after visiting my old hometown is when I decided: "The heck with this! I'm going to listen to it!" It was like reclaiming territory that used to bring painful memories of my past. *cues video game victory music* Now it just brings up images of the beautiful mountains in my hometown and makes me feel peaceful. It makes me feel closer to home. This doesn't mean that I only listen to country music. My taste in music is ridiculously varied.
This past weekend I moved apartments. I'm in the same area. My new apartment is literally down the road from my old one. It's confusing when I come home from work because the route is so familiar. I haven't accidentally gone to the wrong place yet though. Had some close calls. The new place is smaller and I love that about it! It's interesting, but a smaller place helps with my anxiety. The city chafes against my anxiety so anything that makes my environment more simple serves to counteract that effect. I feel like I can breath in this place.
On the Assassin Training front, I have made great progress! After some trouble with sugar withdraws (my sugar intake was ridiculous when it came to drinks) I have arrived at my goal of drinking just water! Anything else is every great once in a while. Water is now my go to drink. I feel fantastic! Not just because I reached a goal, I physically feel great! Plus, an added bonus is I'm still steadily losing weight. The other morning I reached the 5th hole in my belt. I used to only be able to reach the 1st! I don't own a scale and I don't plan to own a scale. It helps keep my focus on my health instead of obsessing about weight.
If you're wondering about this post's title, yes, I did roast some Twizzlers. They were surprisingly delicious!
I've started a 2nd job doing childcare at my church during our freedom and recovery ministry nights. Working with children is a challenge for me. Usually I attend a group during these nights, but it looks like Jesus has a class just for me. It's called childcare. It's challenging, stretching, healing, and so much fun. My anxiety immediately jumps when I'm around children. They're so innocent and vulnerable. So trusting. They always pull me out of my shell, whether I want to be out of my shell or not. Slowly, Jesus is reminding me how to just simply trust, love, and be myself. I usually start out intensely uncomfortable and anxious and eventually I'm sitting down playing with the kids, remembering how to let go and be a kid myself. I truly believe being in touch in your inner kid is very spiritually healthy. It reminds us that we aren't in control, we're totally dependent on a Daddy who loves us more than we can possibly imagine.
There were many fun adventures hanging out with those little ones! Two of them decided they wanted to bond with me. So they threw me in jail. I tried to talk my way out of it. I asked passing kids if they would bail me out or bust me out. One kid was tempted, but then just smiled at me and walked away. I was all like "I thought we were tight!" lol. I argued that they didn't read me my Miranda Rights. Of course that didn't work. Then I got creative. I glanced at my prison guards and said: "Oh, it looks like you accidentally built my cell out of chocolate" and I ate my way out of jail. I was re-arrested about 3 steps from my cell. After a few more escape attempts I finally turned to one of them and asked, "What was my crime?" The response: "You bit a dragon!" . . . . . . My bad! Lol. After that clarification they pulled the whole good cop bad cop routine on me. These kids are awesome!
I have so many fun stories from childcare! I want to write about all of them, but that would make my post really really long and it's already long. I will mention that there was a little girl who decided that her baby doll's name was "Cereal." This kid is going places. I could feel my time with these kids healing my heart. I came out of my shell and actually got comfortable. I was safe and they were safe. They trusted me and felt safe with me and I started accepting that. My lap became a popular seat during that Veggie Tales movie we watched and I started to learn that it's okay to hold them. They're safe with me. I've been afraid around children for years because I blamed myself for the abuse in my past. I thought that if I was around them, I would somehow infect them with whatever badness was inside me that caused my hurt. On a mind level, I know that's not true. But sometimes it takes more than head knowledge to reach those hurt places in the heart. So many times Jesus heals people with people.
And that's simply beautiful.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Conquering Fears
There's a phrase in the Bible that for several weeks I kept hearing over and over: Be strong and courageous. It was in the verse I received at my church's leadership retreat. It was the verse of the day when I shadowed at kids' church. I kept running across it in my personal Bible reading. It popped up in encouragement from friends and in messages. As I was looking over the past several days since my last post, I noticed a similar theme. Left and right I have been facing and overcoming fears.
Fear #1
I was recently asked if I was interested in being employed by my church to do childcare during different events. Shortly after high school, in the middle of my PTSD taking off, I developed really high anxiety around children. I would look at them and they were just so vulnerable and innocent. I was so anxious and scared for them. I was still struggling with self blame for the abuse I had just escaped and so I feared that there was something wrong with me. That since I felt I had caused my own abuse, children weren't safe around me. It sounds nuts, but that's the sort of logic that was at work in my head. I even shied away from hugs and holding my little siblings hands. I didn't want to infect them with whatever was bad inside me.
After many years of healing work with Jesus, I can see that my logic was severely flawed and that children are safe around me. Therefore, I shouldn't be anxious around them. Enter this employment opportunity. Leading up to this, I felt that Jesus had been gently telling me that it was time to let that fear go. I had correct logic, but I was still holding onto the fear. So I took the plunge and shadowed at childcare. That essentially means that I jumped into interaction with the kids. There was no standing back and observing. I found that I wasn't really afraid anymore. I was the only one holding me back. I had a blast with those little kids. All I had to do was let go and just be myself. The rest came naturally. Those kids are awesome! I just felt my heart grow a little bigger with each little face I connected with. I got to shadow the preschool room one night and the baby room another night.
Fear #2
My second fear face off was much scarier. I was always a tomboy growing up. I was a tough kid with the "anything you can do I can do better" attitude. Most girls were afraid of so many things, but I would challenge myself with fears in an attempt to out-courage my brother and the other boys. I was so competitive with my brother. So, this second fear is a little embarrassing. It was a bug. Now, let me defend myself here lol. It was a centipede. Some of those suckers can bite and kill me because of my allergy to bee stings. It wasn't just a centipede, though that was bad enough by itself. It was a house centipede. This is what they look like:
It looks like the unholy offspring of a centipede and a spider. I've read that these little demons can bite and sting. To top it off, they are very fast. I just happened to notice a dark spot on the wall on the stair landing. I turned on the light and immediately felt ill. I knew I had to kill it. I could not breath comfortably in my apartment until it was destroyed. I was shaking and had to shoo it out of different corners so I could get a good shot at it with a heavy shoe. At one point I was cut off from the front door and seriously considered myself trapped in my own apartment. He was just so fast! And CREEPY!!! I took aim and missed more than once. When I finally got him I felt some relief, but it wasn't enough to soothe me from the fact that those things exist and one was in my apartment! I was alone in my apartment! Every time I see a centipede I yell for help and someone else rescues me. This time, I had to fight that battle myself, and I won. But I'm still really creeped out and can't wait to move to my new apartment next month. *involuntary shudder*
Fear #3
For more than several weeks I've been battling with super sensitive teeth on one side of my mouth. I hoped it would go away, but by now I'm naturally only chewing on one side of my mouth and avoiding cold foods. I finally picked up the phone today and called the dentist. They scheduled me for later the same day! Ahhhh!!!! I usually freak out for a full 48 hours before seeing the dentist. That was reduced to less than 3 hours. I struggle with dentist visits because I find them very triggering. I'd never gone to the dentist alone. Last time I went with 2 support people. This time, I was alone. I got brave and chose to go for it. To my amazement, I did fantastic! I had a male dentist; that's a trigger. I had to have an x ray; that's a big trigger. It was scary, uncomfortable, and triggering. I had to focus on breathing and staying calm, but I got through it and didn't have a panic attack or start shaking. I literally fist pumped as I walked out the door and video game victory music was playing in my head lol. I feel so strong to have faced one of my big triggers alone and handle it well!
Fear #4
In process.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
Fear #1
I was recently asked if I was interested in being employed by my church to do childcare during different events. Shortly after high school, in the middle of my PTSD taking off, I developed really high anxiety around children. I would look at them and they were just so vulnerable and innocent. I was so anxious and scared for them. I was still struggling with self blame for the abuse I had just escaped and so I feared that there was something wrong with me. That since I felt I had caused my own abuse, children weren't safe around me. It sounds nuts, but that's the sort of logic that was at work in my head. I even shied away from hugs and holding my little siblings hands. I didn't want to infect them with whatever was bad inside me.
After many years of healing work with Jesus, I can see that my logic was severely flawed and that children are safe around me. Therefore, I shouldn't be anxious around them. Enter this employment opportunity. Leading up to this, I felt that Jesus had been gently telling me that it was time to let that fear go. I had correct logic, but I was still holding onto the fear. So I took the plunge and shadowed at childcare. That essentially means that I jumped into interaction with the kids. There was no standing back and observing. I found that I wasn't really afraid anymore. I was the only one holding me back. I had a blast with those little kids. All I had to do was let go and just be myself. The rest came naturally. Those kids are awesome! I just felt my heart grow a little bigger with each little face I connected with. I got to shadow the preschool room one night and the baby room another night.
Fear #2
My second fear face off was much scarier. I was always a tomboy growing up. I was a tough kid with the "anything you can do I can do better" attitude. Most girls were afraid of so many things, but I would challenge myself with fears in an attempt to out-courage my brother and the other boys. I was so competitive with my brother. So, this second fear is a little embarrassing. It was a bug. Now, let me defend myself here lol. It was a centipede. Some of those suckers can bite and kill me because of my allergy to bee stings. It wasn't just a centipede, though that was bad enough by itself. It was a house centipede. This is what they look like:
It looks like the unholy offspring of a centipede and a spider. I've read that these little demons can bite and sting. To top it off, they are very fast. I just happened to notice a dark spot on the wall on the stair landing. I turned on the light and immediately felt ill. I knew I had to kill it. I could not breath comfortably in my apartment until it was destroyed. I was shaking and had to shoo it out of different corners so I could get a good shot at it with a heavy shoe. At one point I was cut off from the front door and seriously considered myself trapped in my own apartment. He was just so fast! And CREEPY!!! I took aim and missed more than once. When I finally got him I felt some relief, but it wasn't enough to soothe me from the fact that those things exist and one was in my apartment! I was alone in my apartment! Every time I see a centipede I yell for help and someone else rescues me. This time, I had to fight that battle myself, and I won. But I'm still really creeped out and can't wait to move to my new apartment next month. *involuntary shudder*
Fear #3
For more than several weeks I've been battling with super sensitive teeth on one side of my mouth. I hoped it would go away, but by now I'm naturally only chewing on one side of my mouth and avoiding cold foods. I finally picked up the phone today and called the dentist. They scheduled me for later the same day! Ahhhh!!!! I usually freak out for a full 48 hours before seeing the dentist. That was reduced to less than 3 hours. I struggle with dentist visits because I find them very triggering. I'd never gone to the dentist alone. Last time I went with 2 support people. This time, I was alone. I got brave and chose to go for it. To my amazement, I did fantastic! I had a male dentist; that's a trigger. I had to have an x ray; that's a big trigger. It was scary, uncomfortable, and triggering. I had to focus on breathing and staying calm, but I got through it and didn't have a panic attack or start shaking. I literally fist pumped as I walked out the door and video game victory music was playing in my head lol. I feel so strong to have faced one of my big triggers alone and handle it well!
Fear #4
In process.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
Saturday, October 11, 2014
A Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day
It got to the point that it was all so ridiculous that I laughed. That has happened to me once before. I was a freshman in college. It felt like my world had fallen apart. I was struggling with so much from my past and my present. I could only live one day at a time because I didn't have enough hope to spread to tomorrow. I was having panic attacks regularly. I flipped from numb to horrible flashbacks daily. I couldn't sleep, I had terrible nightmares. I felt so alone and isolated and I didn't know how to ask for help. Depression hit me hard, and I didn't know it, but I also had PTSD. I was constantly holding back tears. I was leaving my English Comp I class thinking it just couldn't get much worse. Then I stepped out the door and it immediately started to rain. It was such a comedic moment. Of course when someone says that on TV or in a movie there's an immediate downpour. I looked up at the sky in disbelief and then burst out laughing. I truly believe that God has a sense of humor and that rain was one of those times. I smiled and thanked God for such a simple, funny, close moment with Him. Since that moment, I have loved getting caught in the rain. I'll stand in a downpour and let the rain soak me. I'll play in the puddles and dance and laugh. Every time I play in the rain it reminds me of that moment with Jesus, when things felt like they just couldn't get any worse and He was right there with me.
This time it didn't rain, but the ridiculousness of it reminded me sharply of that moment 7 years ago. It spanned more than a day and it was a big jumble of crummy circumstances made worse by depression and anxiety. I've been homesick since the last time I visited my hometown. I cried when I left and I don't even know why. I live 2 hours away from my hometown and my roommates had the idea that if we moved to a small city just south of our current city, we would be close enough to commute to work and church and cut the drive to visit friends and family almost in half. So we decided to take a day and drive down there and check out potential apartments. It was a nightmare. Yes, it was smaller and more country, but I couldn't see any of the countryside. The fog was thick all day. It was like the clouds had gotten tired and fallen down onto the earth. The weather had a marked effect on my mood. My depression fed off it like it was cheesecake. The downtown area, which we passed through like a billion times, was oppressive. Just complicated to begin with, plus construction. We had a long list of places to look at. We didn't like any of them. The likely places didn't accept cats or demanded they be declawed. We got tired. I got carsick plus a headache. I had to reschedule my chiropractor appointment (I threw out my back) so we could apartment search. We gave up after a while and drove back to our apartment.
Later one of my roommates asked to borrow my car so she could babysit. Of course I said yes. A few hours later I got a frantic call. My car's gas pedal stopped working. My roommate pulled over to the side of the road and cut the engine. Then the car refused to start. Another roommate and I drove to find her, bickering along the way. The day had worn on us all. It was dark and windy. There was a constant cold drizzle and cars swept by us at alarming speeds. I checked my car, the battery was stone cold dead. We had a gadget to jump off the car. It took us a long time to pop the hood because we couldn't see. None of us had flashlights on our phones. Once we got the hood open, I connected the cables. The gadget's battery was dead as well. So we dangerously maneuvered my roommate's car to face mine and jumped off my car the old fashioned way. That's right, 3 girls successfully jumped off a car! But on the way home, my car's gas pedal stopped working 3 or 4 times. It looked like my car would be stranded more than once. I made it to a gas station and filled up the tank and put in a gas treatment to clean out any bad gas or water from my tank. It wasn't bad gas or water. It didn't help at all lol. I had to park on the street and walk up the hill to my apartment. I wasn't about to risk a hill with a faulty gas pedal. I had to force myself to eat supper because that day just took my appetite away.
I had a lot of trouble sleeping. My anxiety went into overdrive. I had scattered dreams and woke up frantically several times and had to coach myself to calm down. I was worrying about everything, absolutely everything. It's funny when I look back at it, but it was terrible to live through lol. I needed to sleep well because I had work the next day, my dad was coming up to help fix my car, and I was scheduled to serve at church. Work is stressful sometimes because I get mixed signals on what's expected of me. What if something horrible was wrong with my car? We're moving to another apartment next month and we still don't have an apartment lined up to move into. What if my depression gets worse? I'm so homesick. Will I ever not miss my hometown? I could lose my health insurance any day because my dad could be laid off any day now. I have to get my own insurance soon, I'm about to turn 26. How am I going to afford it? I have no idea how to buy insurance. What if I hurt my back worse at work? My grandpa wants me to go back to school and get my Masters degree. I have no idea what I want to do. Should I tell the guy I like that I like him? What if that's a bad idea? Should girls tell guys they like them or is that tacky, there's so many mixed signals here! What if he doesn't like me back? I have 3 jobs, will I ever pay off my student loans? This is just a sample of all the crazy things that were going through my mind.
The next day another roommate drove me to work. She had to work as well, so I had to arrive at work an hour early. I wasn't able to serve at church due to having to fix my car while my dad was available to help. I actually didn't have a meltdown this time. It finally dipped into the "so ridiculous that it's funny" point while I was at work. I somehow managed to destroy my clothes. It was at that point that I smiled and just shook my head. I remembered that sudden rain 7 years ago and I had peace that no matter how many bad things happen, Jesus has the whole world in His hands. I'm not alone and I'm not abandoned. He has me and He takes care of me. He got me through before and I know His love is unfailing and His faithfulness never ends. He never has a second thought about me and is always for me. No matter what happens, I really have nothing to worry about, even when I can't see that.
Since that moment, my brain has flipped a bit and started back towards normalcy. I've noticed a pattern. I have some good, peaceful time. Then my anxiety and depression spike. Then I come back to the peace. It sounds awful. But I always have hope. Even when I can't see the hope that I have, my Hope still sees me.
Thanks for reading!
This time it didn't rain, but the ridiculousness of it reminded me sharply of that moment 7 years ago. It spanned more than a day and it was a big jumble of crummy circumstances made worse by depression and anxiety. I've been homesick since the last time I visited my hometown. I cried when I left and I don't even know why. I live 2 hours away from my hometown and my roommates had the idea that if we moved to a small city just south of our current city, we would be close enough to commute to work and church and cut the drive to visit friends and family almost in half. So we decided to take a day and drive down there and check out potential apartments. It was a nightmare. Yes, it was smaller and more country, but I couldn't see any of the countryside. The fog was thick all day. It was like the clouds had gotten tired and fallen down onto the earth. The weather had a marked effect on my mood. My depression fed off it like it was cheesecake. The downtown area, which we passed through like a billion times, was oppressive. Just complicated to begin with, plus construction. We had a long list of places to look at. We didn't like any of them. The likely places didn't accept cats or demanded they be declawed. We got tired. I got carsick plus a headache. I had to reschedule my chiropractor appointment (I threw out my back) so we could apartment search. We gave up after a while and drove back to our apartment.
Later one of my roommates asked to borrow my car so she could babysit. Of course I said yes. A few hours later I got a frantic call. My car's gas pedal stopped working. My roommate pulled over to the side of the road and cut the engine. Then the car refused to start. Another roommate and I drove to find her, bickering along the way. The day had worn on us all. It was dark and windy. There was a constant cold drizzle and cars swept by us at alarming speeds. I checked my car, the battery was stone cold dead. We had a gadget to jump off the car. It took us a long time to pop the hood because we couldn't see. None of us had flashlights on our phones. Once we got the hood open, I connected the cables. The gadget's battery was dead as well. So we dangerously maneuvered my roommate's car to face mine and jumped off my car the old fashioned way. That's right, 3 girls successfully jumped off a car! But on the way home, my car's gas pedal stopped working 3 or 4 times. It looked like my car would be stranded more than once. I made it to a gas station and filled up the tank and put in a gas treatment to clean out any bad gas or water from my tank. It wasn't bad gas or water. It didn't help at all lol. I had to park on the street and walk up the hill to my apartment. I wasn't about to risk a hill with a faulty gas pedal. I had to force myself to eat supper because that day just took my appetite away.
I had a lot of trouble sleeping. My anxiety went into overdrive. I had scattered dreams and woke up frantically several times and had to coach myself to calm down. I was worrying about everything, absolutely everything. It's funny when I look back at it, but it was terrible to live through lol. I needed to sleep well because I had work the next day, my dad was coming up to help fix my car, and I was scheduled to serve at church. Work is stressful sometimes because I get mixed signals on what's expected of me. What if something horrible was wrong with my car? We're moving to another apartment next month and we still don't have an apartment lined up to move into. What if my depression gets worse? I'm so homesick. Will I ever not miss my hometown? I could lose my health insurance any day because my dad could be laid off any day now. I have to get my own insurance soon, I'm about to turn 26. How am I going to afford it? I have no idea how to buy insurance. What if I hurt my back worse at work? My grandpa wants me to go back to school and get my Masters degree. I have no idea what I want to do. Should I tell the guy I like that I like him? What if that's a bad idea? Should girls tell guys they like them or is that tacky, there's so many mixed signals here! What if he doesn't like me back? I have 3 jobs, will I ever pay off my student loans? This is just a sample of all the crazy things that were going through my mind.
The next day another roommate drove me to work. She had to work as well, so I had to arrive at work an hour early. I wasn't able to serve at church due to having to fix my car while my dad was available to help. I actually didn't have a meltdown this time. It finally dipped into the "so ridiculous that it's funny" point while I was at work. I somehow managed to destroy my clothes. It was at that point that I smiled and just shook my head. I remembered that sudden rain 7 years ago and I had peace that no matter how many bad things happen, Jesus has the whole world in His hands. I'm not alone and I'm not abandoned. He has me and He takes care of me. He got me through before and I know His love is unfailing and His faithfulness never ends. He never has a second thought about me and is always for me. No matter what happens, I really have nothing to worry about, even when I can't see that.
Since that moment, my brain has flipped a bit and started back towards normalcy. I've noticed a pattern. I have some good, peaceful time. Then my anxiety and depression spike. Then I come back to the peace. It sounds awful. But I always have hope. Even when I can't see the hope that I have, my Hope still sees me.
Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Assassin Training Update
It's been a while since I gave an update about my assassin training. I've been focusing mainly on diet change. According to Nerd Fitness, your diet accounts for 80% of your success or failure. Since I once lost 40 pounds on diet change alone, I readily accept that. I started with cutting out soda. Originally, I stopped drinking soda for a time to get caffeine out of my system. My anxiety has made a move towards more generalized anxiety, rather than anxiety triggered from specific fears. It crept up on me slowly and, at first, I didn't know what was wrong with me. Now that I know that I get anxious in general now, I can take steps to combat it. Though it may feel like the sky is falling, it doesn't necessarily mean that anything is wrong. Equipped with that knowledge I tackled caffeine out of my diet. It was unnecessary fuel on the fire and once it left my system I started to calm down more quickly with my self reminders that everything is okay. Then something unexpected happened.
I hadn't decided to quit drinking soda for good. It was a step to take it out of my system for the time being until I improved. But after awhile I noticed that I had gone for about 2 weeks without drinking soda regularly. I wasn't dying for a coke. This was a good sign and I decided to use the momentum I had to just say goodbye to soda as a regular daily drink choice. I have now lost count of how many weeks it has been. I've only had a drink of soda rarely, and when I did it was caffeine free Sprite or 7 Up. I went from drinking multiple sodas a day to having about 2 in, I would guess the last month or 2. It feels great to have such a big step tackled already! It's really encouraging!
Something unexpected happened over the past few weeks though. At first I thought it was just wishful thinking on my part. But a week ago I got proof. I've lost 10 pounds! I thought my clothes felt a bit on the big side. I had taken note that I could tighten my belt further. Now I need my belt if I want to walk without holding my jeans up with one hand. It's a great feeling! I have tried to lose weight for years, ever since my thyroid went nuts back in 2010 and I gained 70 pounds in 2 months. Wow, that was a terrifying time. It seemed that no matter what I did, diet and exercise-wise, my newly acquired weight would not budge. And now I've dropped 10 pounds easily!
My newest diet change challenge is to move to drinking water as my main drink. I've already gotten a beautiful start on that. I also have extra motivation. My workplace has been shifting out polo shirts in our uniform and shifting in company T-shirts. There is a bit of a size difference. For example, a large polo shirt is the same size as an XLarge T-shirt. I did not know this when I picked up my shirts. So my new work shirts are a whole size smaller than the size I had been wearing. The amazing thing is, I just fit into it. It's slightly on the small side for my taste. I gravitate more towards extra room in my T-shirts, but it fits. Now I just gotta make sure I don't gain the weight back, and instead continue to lose weight. My new shirts will be a good measurement of that. I don't own a scale, unless you count my Wii Fit Balance Board. I found out I lost 10 pounds stepping onto my aunt's scale. It gave my weight in kilograms, which was annoying. But hey, I finally got to use that unit converter tool on my phone lol.
I hope to phase in my exercises again soon. I unfortunately overestimated myself while lifting a heavy crate. As a result a threw my back out a little bit again. I knew as soon as I straightened up that something was wrong. Back to the chiropractor. I didn't throw it out nearly as badly as I have in the past. I should be back in action again soon. I'm still on the quests of daily 10 minute walks and beginner body weight strength training on alternate days.
I will shout out to a friend, you know who you are. Thank you for sharing that quote from your pastor. Thank you for being an inspiration through your own health and fitness work. When I have those weak moments, I think of you sticking to your plan, and it helps me keep going. It's helps to know someone else is working hard to achieve a similar goal. Thanks for being an inspiration and encouragement. I wouldn't have made it this far if Jesus had not used you to get me really thinking about my health and inspired to do something about it. So thank you. :)
That's all for this post! Thanks for reading!
I hadn't decided to quit drinking soda for good. It was a step to take it out of my system for the time being until I improved. But after awhile I noticed that I had gone for about 2 weeks without drinking soda regularly. I wasn't dying for a coke. This was a good sign and I decided to use the momentum I had to just say goodbye to soda as a regular daily drink choice. I have now lost count of how many weeks it has been. I've only had a drink of soda rarely, and when I did it was caffeine free Sprite or 7 Up. I went from drinking multiple sodas a day to having about 2 in, I would guess the last month or 2. It feels great to have such a big step tackled already! It's really encouraging!
Something unexpected happened over the past few weeks though. At first I thought it was just wishful thinking on my part. But a week ago I got proof. I've lost 10 pounds! I thought my clothes felt a bit on the big side. I had taken note that I could tighten my belt further. Now I need my belt if I want to walk without holding my jeans up with one hand. It's a great feeling! I have tried to lose weight for years, ever since my thyroid went nuts back in 2010 and I gained 70 pounds in 2 months. Wow, that was a terrifying time. It seemed that no matter what I did, diet and exercise-wise, my newly acquired weight would not budge. And now I've dropped 10 pounds easily!
My newest diet change challenge is to move to drinking water as my main drink. I've already gotten a beautiful start on that. I also have extra motivation. My workplace has been shifting out polo shirts in our uniform and shifting in company T-shirts. There is a bit of a size difference. For example, a large polo shirt is the same size as an XLarge T-shirt. I did not know this when I picked up my shirts. So my new work shirts are a whole size smaller than the size I had been wearing. The amazing thing is, I just fit into it. It's slightly on the small side for my taste. I gravitate more towards extra room in my T-shirts, but it fits. Now I just gotta make sure I don't gain the weight back, and instead continue to lose weight. My new shirts will be a good measurement of that. I don't own a scale, unless you count my Wii Fit Balance Board. I found out I lost 10 pounds stepping onto my aunt's scale. It gave my weight in kilograms, which was annoying. But hey, I finally got to use that unit converter tool on my phone lol.
I hope to phase in my exercises again soon. I unfortunately overestimated myself while lifting a heavy crate. As a result a threw my back out a little bit again. I knew as soon as I straightened up that something was wrong. Back to the chiropractor. I didn't throw it out nearly as badly as I have in the past. I should be back in action again soon. I'm still on the quests of daily 10 minute walks and beginner body weight strength training on alternate days.
I will shout out to a friend, you know who you are. Thank you for sharing that quote from your pastor. Thank you for being an inspiration through your own health and fitness work. When I have those weak moments, I think of you sticking to your plan, and it helps me keep going. It's helps to know someone else is working hard to achieve a similar goal. Thanks for being an inspiration and encouragement. I wouldn't have made it this far if Jesus had not used you to get me really thinking about my health and inspired to do something about it. So thank you. :)
That's all for this post! Thanks for reading!
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