Conquering Fears

There's a phrase in the Bible that for several weeks I kept hearing over and over: Be strong and courageous. It was in the verse I received at my church's leadership retreat. It was the verse of the day when I shadowed at kids' church. I kept running across it in my personal Bible reading. It popped up in encouragement from friends and in messages. As I was looking over the past several days since my last post, I noticed a similar theme. Left and right I have been facing and overcoming fears.

Fear #1

I was recently asked if I was interested in being employed by my church to do childcare during different events. Shortly after high school, in the middle of my PTSD taking off, I developed really high anxiety around children. I would look at them and they were just so vulnerable and innocent. I was so anxious and scared for them. I was still struggling with self blame for the abuse I had just escaped and so I feared that there was something wrong with me. That since I felt I had caused my own abuse, children weren't safe around me. It sounds nuts, but that's the sort of logic that was at work in my head. I even shied away from hugs and holding my little siblings hands. I didn't want to infect them with whatever was bad inside me.

After many years of healing work with Jesus, I can see that my logic was severely flawed and that children are safe around me. Therefore, I shouldn't be anxious around them. Enter this employment opportunity. Leading up to this, I felt that Jesus had been gently telling me that it was time to let that fear go. I had correct logic, but I was still holding onto the fear. So I took the plunge and shadowed at childcare. That essentially means that I jumped into interaction with the kids. There was no standing back and observing. I found that I wasn't really afraid anymore. I was the only one holding me back. I had a blast with those little kids. All I had to do was let go and just be myself. The rest came naturally. Those kids are awesome! I just felt my heart grow a little bigger with each little face I connected with. I got to shadow the preschool room one night and the baby room another night.

Fear #2

My second fear face off was much scarier. I was always a tomboy growing up. I was a tough kid with the "anything you can do I can do better" attitude. Most girls were afraid of so many things, but I would challenge myself with fears in an attempt to out-courage my brother and the other boys. I was so competitive with my brother. So, this second fear is a little embarrassing. It was a bug. Now, let me defend myself here lol. It was a centipede. Some of those suckers can bite and kill me because of my allergy to bee stings. It wasn't just a centipede, though that was bad enough by itself. It was a house centipede. This is what they look like:

It looks like the unholy offspring of a centipede and a spider. I've read that these little demons can bite and sting. To top it off, they are very fast. I just happened to notice a dark spot on the wall on the stair landing. I turned on the light and immediately felt ill. I knew I had to kill it. I could not breath comfortably in my apartment until it was destroyed. I was shaking and had to shoo it out of different corners so I could get a good shot at it with a heavy shoe. At one point I was cut off from the front door and seriously considered myself trapped in my own apartment. He was just so fast! And CREEPY!!! I took aim and missed more than once. When I finally got him I felt some relief, but it wasn't enough to soothe me from the fact that those things exist and one was in my apartment! I was alone in my apartment! Every time I see a centipede I yell for help and someone else rescues me. This time, I had to fight that battle myself, and I won. But I'm still really creeped out and can't wait to move to my new apartment next month. *involuntary shudder*

Fear #3

For more than several weeks I've been battling with super sensitive teeth on one side of my mouth. I hoped it would go away, but by now I'm naturally only chewing on one side of my mouth and avoiding cold foods. I finally picked up the phone today and called the dentist. They scheduled me for later the same day! Ahhhh!!!! I usually freak out for a full 48 hours before seeing the dentist. That was reduced to less than 3 hours. I struggle with dentist visits because I find them very triggering. I'd never gone to the dentist alone. Last time I went with 2 support people. This time, I was alone. I got brave and chose to go for it. To my amazement, I did fantastic! I had a male dentist; that's a trigger. I had to have an x ray; that's a big trigger. It was scary, uncomfortable, and triggering. I had to focus on breathing and staying calm, but I got through it and didn't have a panic attack or start shaking. I literally fist pumped as I walked out the door and video game victory music was playing in my head lol. I feel so strong to have faced one of my big triggers alone and handle it well!

Fear #4

In process.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

A Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

It got to the point that it was all so ridiculous that I laughed. That has happened to me once before. I was a freshman in college. It felt like my world had fallen apart. I was struggling with so much from my past and my present. I could only live one day at a time because I didn't have enough hope to spread to tomorrow. I was having panic attacks regularly. I flipped from numb to horrible flashbacks daily. I couldn't sleep, I had terrible nightmares. I felt so alone and isolated and I didn't know how to ask for help. Depression hit me hard, and I didn't know it, but I also had PTSD. I was constantly holding back tears. I was leaving my English Comp I class thinking it just couldn't get much worse. Then I stepped out the door and it immediately started to rain. It was such a comedic moment. Of course when someone says that on TV or in a movie there's an immediate downpour. I looked up at the sky in disbelief and then burst out laughing. I truly believe that God has a sense of humor and that rain was one of those times. I smiled and thanked God for such a simple, funny, close moment with Him. Since that moment, I have loved getting caught in the rain. I'll stand in a downpour and let the rain soak me. I'll play in the puddles and dance and laugh. Every time I play in the rain it reminds me of that moment with Jesus, when things felt like they just couldn't get any worse and He was right there with me.

This time it didn't rain, but the ridiculousness of it reminded me sharply of that moment 7 years ago. It spanned more than a day and it was a big jumble of crummy circumstances made worse by depression and anxiety. I've been homesick since the last time I visited my hometown. I cried when I left and I don't even know why. I live 2 hours away from my hometown and my roommates had the idea that if we moved to a small city just south of our current city, we would be close enough to commute to work and church and cut the drive to visit friends and family almost in half. So we decided to take a day and drive down there and check out potential apartments. It was a nightmare. Yes, it was smaller and more country, but I couldn't see any of the countryside. The fog was thick all day. It was like the clouds had gotten tired and fallen down onto the earth. The weather had a marked effect on my mood. My depression fed off it like it was cheesecake. The downtown area, which we passed through like a billion times, was oppressive. Just complicated to begin with, plus construction. We had a long list of places to look at. We didn't like any of them. The likely places didn't accept cats or demanded they be declawed. We got tired. I got carsick plus a headache. I had to reschedule my chiropractor appointment (I threw out my back) so we could apartment search. We gave up after a while and drove back to our apartment.

Later one of my roommates asked to borrow my car so she could babysit. Of course I said yes. A few hours later I got a frantic call. My car's gas pedal stopped working. My roommate pulled over to the side of the road and cut the engine. Then the car refused to start. Another roommate and I drove to find her, bickering along the way. The day had worn on us all. It was dark and windy. There was a constant cold drizzle and cars swept by us at alarming speeds. I checked my car, the battery was stone cold dead. We had a gadget to jump off the car. It took us a long time to pop the hood because we couldn't see. None of us had flashlights on our phones. Once we got the hood open, I connected the cables. The gadget's battery was dead as well. So we dangerously maneuvered my roommate's car to face mine and jumped off my car the old fashioned way. That's right, 3 girls successfully jumped off a car! But on the way home, my car's gas pedal stopped working 3 or 4 times. It looked like my car would be stranded more than once. I made it to a gas station and filled up the tank and put in a gas treatment to clean out any bad gas or water from my tank. It wasn't bad gas or water. It didn't help at all lol. I had to park on the street and walk up the hill to my apartment. I wasn't about to risk a hill with a faulty gas pedal. I had to force myself to eat supper because that day just took my appetite away.

I had a lot of trouble sleeping. My anxiety went into overdrive. I had scattered dreams and woke up frantically several times and had to coach myself to calm down. I was worrying about everything, absolutely everything. It's funny when I look back at it, but it was terrible to live through lol. I needed to sleep well because I had work the next day, my dad was coming up to help fix my car, and I was scheduled to serve at church. Work is stressful sometimes because I get mixed signals on what's expected of me. What if something horrible was wrong with my car? We're moving to another apartment next month and we still don't have an apartment lined up to move into. What if my depression gets worse? I'm so homesick. Will I ever not miss my hometown? I could lose my health insurance any day because my dad could be laid off any day now. I have to get my own insurance soon, I'm about to turn 26. How am I going to afford it? I have no idea how to buy insurance. What if I hurt my back worse at work? My grandpa wants me to go back to school and get my Masters degree. I have no idea what I want to do. Should I tell the guy I like that I like him? What if that's a bad idea? Should girls tell guys they like them or is that tacky, there's so many mixed signals here! What if he doesn't like me back? I have 3 jobs, will I ever pay off my student loans? This is just a sample of all the crazy things that were going through my mind.

The next day another roommate drove me to work. She had to work as well, so I had to arrive at work an hour early. I wasn't able to serve at church due to having to fix my car while my dad was available to help. I actually didn't have a meltdown this time. It finally dipped into the "so ridiculous that it's funny" point while I was at work. I somehow managed to destroy my clothes. It was at that point that I smiled and just shook my head. I remembered that sudden rain 7 years ago and I had peace that no matter how many bad things happen, Jesus has the whole world in His hands. I'm not alone and I'm not abandoned. He has me and He takes care of me. He got me through before and I know His love is unfailing and His faithfulness never ends. He never has a second thought about me and is always for me. No matter what happens, I really have nothing to worry about, even when I can't see that.

Since that moment, my brain has flipped a bit and started back towards normalcy. I've noticed a pattern. I have some good, peaceful time. Then my anxiety and depression spike. Then I come back to the peace. It sounds awful. But I always have hope. Even when I can't see the hope that I have, my Hope still sees me.

Thanks for reading!

Assassin Training Update

It's been a while since I gave an update about my assassin training. I've been focusing mainly on diet change. According to Nerd Fitness, your diet accounts for 80% of your success or failure. Since I once lost 40 pounds on diet change alone, I readily accept that. I started with cutting out soda. Originally, I stopped drinking soda for a time to get caffeine out of my system. My anxiety has made a move towards more generalized anxiety, rather than anxiety triggered from specific fears. It crept up on me slowly and, at first, I didn't know what was wrong with me. Now that I know that I get anxious in general now, I can take steps to combat it. Though it may feel like the sky is falling, it doesn't necessarily mean that anything is wrong. Equipped with that knowledge I tackled caffeine out of my diet. It was unnecessary fuel on the fire and once it left my system I started to calm down more quickly with my self reminders that everything is okay. Then something unexpected happened.

I hadn't decided to quit drinking soda for good. It was a step to take it out of my system for the time being until I improved. But after awhile I noticed that I had gone for about 2 weeks without drinking soda regularly. I wasn't dying for a coke. This was a good sign and I decided to use the momentum I had to just say goodbye to soda as a regular daily drink choice. I have now lost count of how many weeks it has been. I've only had a drink of soda rarely, and when I did it was caffeine free Sprite or 7 Up. I went from drinking multiple sodas a day to having about 2 in, I would guess the last month or 2. It feels great to have such a big step tackled already! It's really encouraging!

Something unexpected happened over the past few weeks though. At first I thought it was just wishful thinking on my part. But a week ago I got proof. I've lost 10 pounds! I thought my clothes felt a bit on the big side. I had taken note that I could tighten my belt further. Now I need my belt if I want to walk without holding my jeans up with one hand. It's a great feeling! I have tried to lose weight for years, ever since my thyroid went nuts back in 2010 and I gained 70 pounds in 2 months. Wow, that was a terrifying time. It seemed that no matter what I did, diet and exercise-wise, my newly acquired weight would not budge. And now I've dropped 10 pounds easily!

My newest diet change challenge is to move to drinking water as my main drink. I've already gotten a beautiful start on that. I also have extra motivation. My workplace has been shifting out polo shirts in our uniform and shifting in company T-shirts. There is a bit of a size difference. For example, a large polo shirt is the same size as an XLarge T-shirt. I did not know this when I picked up my shirts. So my new work shirts are a whole size smaller than the size I had been wearing. The amazing thing is, I just fit into it. It's slightly on the small side for my taste. I gravitate more towards extra room in my T-shirts, but it fits. Now I just gotta make sure I don't gain the weight back, and instead continue to lose weight. My new shirts will be a good measurement of that. I don't own a scale, unless you count my Wii Fit Balance Board. I found out I lost 10 pounds stepping onto my aunt's scale. It gave my weight in kilograms, which was annoying. But hey, I finally got to use that unit converter tool on my phone lol.

I hope to phase in my exercises again soon. I unfortunately overestimated myself while lifting a heavy crate. As a result a threw my back out a little bit again. I knew as soon as I straightened up that something was wrong. Back to the chiropractor. I didn't throw it out nearly as badly as I have in the past. I should be back in action again soon. I'm still on the quests of daily 10 minute walks and beginner body weight strength training on alternate days.

I will shout out to a friend, you know who you are. Thank you for sharing that quote from your pastor. Thank you for being an inspiration through your own health and fitness work. When I have those weak moments, I think of you sticking to your plan, and it helps me keep going. It's helps to know someone else is working hard to achieve a similar goal. Thanks for being an inspiration and encouragement. I wouldn't have made it this far if Jesus had not used you to get me really thinking about my health and inspired to do something about it. So thank you. :)

That's all for this post! Thanks for reading!

Soldiers, Irony, and a Britney Spears Dance Party

So I just had this random urge to watch M.A.S.H. and all of a sudden, no kidding, this really happened, M.A.S.H. came on the T.V. I decided to watch our 4 local channels instead of breaking out Netflix. I didn't know M.A.S.H. still aired! The urge probably had something to do with the book I've been reading, On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society. It's a psychology book I came across at Half Price Books on clearance. I have a psychology degree, I find it fascinating. So far the book has discussed the huge reluctance people have to killing other people, even if they're "the enemy," even to save their own life. It's something I've thought about, but never really knew was an actual thing. It's not often talked about. Interestingly, after I started reading this book and learned a little about the subject, I visited a good friend of mine and we watched an episode of The Twilight Zone. The episode was about soldiers and killing. What are the odds? So much of what I had just been learning about came up in that episode!

I would like to share something really ironic that happened earlier today. I had just gotten home from work and noticed that the trash needed to be taken out. On the way to the dumpster, lugging a few bags with me, the clouds split open and dropped a huge downpour. I looked at one of the bags I was carrying to the dumpster. Inside was a rain poncho I had decided to get rid of because I would never use it. Oh the irony.

I've decided to dabble in technology a bit. I really don't know what I'm doing, but I managed to figure out how to put a video in this post. Hooray! I was going to share my first video, but unfortunately I do not have that video. It's on my roommate's facebook and I don't have the option to download it. But I did have the option to download an old video of mine. I filmed this during my last year of college. It actually might have been the summer of 2011, right after I graduated from college. It was one of those spontaneous weird moments my sister and I have. *No animals were harmed in the making of this video. My sister's cats love her and have a lot of patience. They ran right up to her right after I ended the video.* Hope you enjoy. :)

To Tech Or Not To Tech

So some ideas have been bouncing around in my head lately. I don't know yet if they will amount to much or not. I have a lot of ideas that never make it off the drawing board. I'm not that great with technology. I don't know the ins and outs of how to do things. But for several years I've wanted to create online content. That's one of the reasons I blog. But I've also wanted to make videos, maybe even podcast. I really enjoy blogging but I've thought for years, even before I got up the courage to actually start a blog, that I could do more.

I've shot a video or two in the past. I wasn't onscreen for the videos, most of them anyway. I tended to have the camera pointed towards someone or something highly amusing at the time. I've only shared those videos on facebook or not at all. Back in my high school days I was big on voice recordings. I recorded anything and everything. At one point I think I recorded an entire day at school just so one day I could look back at a typical day in high school. Still have the recordings. Besides using technology, I also used to write poetry and draw. Shortly after graduating high school my PTSD got to such an extent that I had a lot of trouble trying to focus on anything. Even my reading suffered and I've been called a bookworm my whole life. I just couldn't escape my anxiety, couldn't disappear into a book or get in the zone to write or draw much.

Speaking of my anxiety. I found an interesting way to calm myself at work. Since I've realized that my anxiety has taken a turn towards being more generalized anxiety (meaning I freak out over everything instead of from just triggers) it's become more of a day to day issue than before. I don't know what sets it off these days so it's a learning experience. But while working this morning I found myself singing a song from church. Singing quietly by myself like that for some reason soothed my anxiety so I kept it up. I sang whatever came to mind. Imagining the countryside from my hometown helped as well. I'm a country girl at heart.

Well, this post has taken me a ridiculously long time to write so I'm going to go ahead and post this.

Thanks for reading!