Between a simply insane weekend last weekend and being sick this weekend I have nothing in reserve to publish this week. I had gotten into a good schedule of having my posts written a week in advance. It was glorious, but now I'm finding myself playing catch up. I was scrambling to figure out what to write about when it hit me. I haven't given an Assassin/Ninja Training Update in quite a while. I actually have a lot to update on that!
Due to a very unexpected and drawn out process of injuring both my hands and waiting for them to heal properly, I haven't been doing any exercises. It has been a big lesson in patience, taking care of myself, and respecting my personal limits. Really what happened was I had a previous injury in my left hand that had healed back wrong. While that hand was reinjured so it could heal back the right way, I managed to overcompensate for it with my right hand. As a result I injured my right hand in just the same way my left hand was injured. I was so angry with myself. I had to take a long break from video games. My fine motor skills were laughable. I felt like I had unskilled clubs on the ends of my arms instead of hands. I had to ask the boys for help at work with the heavy stuff and I couldn't drive either of the trucks because that required me having to literally climb into the truck cab, which put too much strain on my hands. It has been rough but I've learned a valuable lesson and I don't plan on making that mistake again.
I have continued my plan of keeping water as my main drink. I actually counted up the time since I stopped drinking pop and I was shocked. I stopped drinking pop around 5 months ago! The crazy thing is I don't miss it. Both of my roommates still regularly drink it and I am not even tempted. I look at it and don't see it as appetizing at all. Drinking water makes me feel amazing! It's like I feel cleaner on the inside. I have more energy and that sluggish, blah feeling is gone.
On top of continuing to drink water, I have added a number of things. I now have an accountability partner. This have been so helpful. Sometimes you just don't feel like doing the work and you're okay with letting yourself down. But letting someone else down is a different matter. The accountability has majorly helped in building habits. You get used to doing healthy things and before you know it, you've created a good habit. Right now I'm just going over basic things. Most of my life I have done a horrible job at taking care of myself. My basic check in things with my partner are: Eating 3 meals a day, drinking 50 oz of water, getting at least 7 hours of sleep, not stressing my injured hands, and keeping my room organized. That last one sounds really random, but it's amazing how much having a clean and organized room helps with my mental health. Visual noise and clutter don't help anxiety.
The accountability is set up in report form. I write out daily reports. Honestly, just recording my daily progress is helpful and keeps me aware of my daily choices. I report on the items I listed above, as well as adding how I felt that day and what my big picture circumstances were that day. It gives some helpful context. As someone with an anxiety disorder, recording the big picture circumstances of my day helps me see patterns, identify triggers, and just be more aware of how stressors affect my health. I've learned so much about myself and my health through this process!
As far as results go, I don't own a scale so I can't give an actual weight loss amount. I can say that I need a new belt. I started out only being able to reach the first hole on my current belt. Now I am on the farthest hole and still shrinking. I have gone down a shirt size and two jeans sizes. I have learned how important taking care of myself physically is to my mental health. The two cannot be separated. Just working on physical health greatly improves my mental health. With better mental health I'm better equipped to make healthy decisions. It's become an awesome upward spiral. That's a real thing!
If you have PTSD, some other anxiety disorder, or any mental disorder try making healthy decisions for your body. I know. I rolled my eyes at that advice so many times in the past. But now that I'm actually doing it and reaping the benefits, I must say it is definitely worth it! It really works! Just start small. Do you eat 3 meals a day? Get 7 to 8 hours of sleep? Wherever you find yourself there's a small step you can take towards better health. Don't try to do it all at once. That rarely ever works. Have patience and grace for yourself. Find one thing you can stick with and do it daily. Finding an accountability partner really helps too. Most importantly, be kind to yourself and don't give up when you fall down. Just get back up. There are no penalties for falling unless you don't get back up.
That's all I have for now. Thanks for reading!
_____________________________________
This space intentionally left blank
-Jerelle
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Little Me In The Auto Industry
It's funny the way God works sometimes. I've said before that I have PTSD. Because of my disorder I have had a lot of trouble feeling safe around men. I used to be completely terrified of men. I couldn't trust them or relax around them. Now I find myself working with 95% men. Where am I working, you might ask. I am working in the auto industry. I never saw that one coming. I've been curious and interested but I never saw it actually happening. I studied psychology and religion in college. My family hoped for me to go into the medical field and I thought I was going into the mental health field. Now cars lol. God works in mysterious and amazing ways.
I must say, with my PTSD you would think that my days would be filled with anxiety with so many men around. But the opposite has happened. I get so many safe vibes from so many men! It's really encouraging to feel safe around men. I've missed having male presence in my life. For so many years I've avoided men and surrounded myself with women. But there's something that only men can bring to the table. There's a strength there that's different from the strength of a woman and human beings need both of those strengths. I know God is using this to heal me and I'm very encouraged by this progress.
This job has also been great for my confidence in general. When I first started working I was quiet and nervous, slow to trust people. I was very nervous driving the company cars. I'm an auto parts delivery driver. It took a little bit to adjust to the relaxed atmosphere (soooo different from retail!). I also steadily started to gain confidence behind the wheel. Driving is something I knew I could do. However, I live in a city and traffic up here is a constant challenge and often a death trap. I was unfamiliar with the section of the city that I driving in. It was also December and I believe I've already stated that December is my hardest month with anxiety. Also, it's company policy for delivery drivers to back into parking spaces. I swore off driving in reverse unless absolutely necessary when I moved to the city. I could do it and do it well in the countryside where I'm from, but the city was a whole different ball game.
Fast forward to January. I'm relaxed in the crazy traffic that I encounter nearly every day. It does nothing to my anxiety level. I'm learning the layout of the city. My mental map is constantly being updated. This road over here somehow connects to this area of town that I'm familiar with and this shortcut will get me to the interstate the fastest. This updating knowledge, by itself, is a huge confidence booster. I know where I am and where I'm going, most of the time anyway. The practice with backing into parking spaces is showing amazing results. I've gotten some of my old confidence back. It's different in the city, but the muscle memory is coming back. But that's not the best part!
One day I clocked in at work and checked the key drawer. We have several company cars and several drivers. All the keys for the cars were taken. What was left? A key for the truck. I had never driven a truck in my entire life. I wasn't even sure I could reach the pedals and see over the steering wheel at the same time. I'm a staggering 4 ft 9in tall. My manager laughed and told me to take it for a spin and see how I do. So I did. It's funny the things you discover about yourself. I'm a natural at driving a truck! I got into that truck and drove it easier and better than I drive my own car! It was fun too! Trucks lift you up off the road a bit more and I could see everything! A few days later, I found myself driving the big truck. Not the small truck, the big truck. We're talking a Ford F150 XL. I literally have to climb into the cab. My feet don't reach the floor when I drive. But I can drive it and drive it well! I'll admit, my first time in the big truck I did let out an evil laugh when I pulled out for the first time. You feel powerful driving something that big. Feeling powerful is something I'm not used to feeling, so it put a big smile on my face. I felt so confident!
That's all for now! Thank you for reading, and until next time __________________________.
This space intentionally left blank
-Jerelle
I must say, with my PTSD you would think that my days would be filled with anxiety with so many men around. But the opposite has happened. I get so many safe vibes from so many men! It's really encouraging to feel safe around men. I've missed having male presence in my life. For so many years I've avoided men and surrounded myself with women. But there's something that only men can bring to the table. There's a strength there that's different from the strength of a woman and human beings need both of those strengths. I know God is using this to heal me and I'm very encouraged by this progress.
This job has also been great for my confidence in general. When I first started working I was quiet and nervous, slow to trust people. I was very nervous driving the company cars. I'm an auto parts delivery driver. It took a little bit to adjust to the relaxed atmosphere (soooo different from retail!). I also steadily started to gain confidence behind the wheel. Driving is something I knew I could do. However, I live in a city and traffic up here is a constant challenge and often a death trap. I was unfamiliar with the section of the city that I driving in. It was also December and I believe I've already stated that December is my hardest month with anxiety. Also, it's company policy for delivery drivers to back into parking spaces. I swore off driving in reverse unless absolutely necessary when I moved to the city. I could do it and do it well in the countryside where I'm from, but the city was a whole different ball game.
Fast forward to January. I'm relaxed in the crazy traffic that I encounter nearly every day. It does nothing to my anxiety level. I'm learning the layout of the city. My mental map is constantly being updated. This road over here somehow connects to this area of town that I'm familiar with and this shortcut will get me to the interstate the fastest. This updating knowledge, by itself, is a huge confidence booster. I know where I am and where I'm going, most of the time anyway. The practice with backing into parking spaces is showing amazing results. I've gotten some of my old confidence back. It's different in the city, but the muscle memory is coming back. But that's not the best part!
One day I clocked in at work and checked the key drawer. We have several company cars and several drivers. All the keys for the cars were taken. What was left? A key for the truck. I had never driven a truck in my entire life. I wasn't even sure I could reach the pedals and see over the steering wheel at the same time. I'm a staggering 4 ft 9in tall. My manager laughed and told me to take it for a spin and see how I do. So I did. It's funny the things you discover about yourself. I'm a natural at driving a truck! I got into that truck and drove it easier and better than I drive my own car! It was fun too! Trucks lift you up off the road a bit more and I could see everything! A few days later, I found myself driving the big truck. Not the small truck, the big truck. We're talking a Ford F150 XL. I literally have to climb into the cab. My feet don't reach the floor when I drive. But I can drive it and drive it well! I'll admit, my first time in the big truck I did let out an evil laugh when I pulled out for the first time. You feel powerful driving something that big. Feeling powerful is something I'm not used to feeling, so it put a big smile on my face. I felt so confident!
That's all for now! Thank you for reading, and until next time __________________________.
This space intentionally left blank
-Jerelle
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Steak 'N Shake It Off
It has been such a long time since I got to write! Anxiety has that effect on me. The more anxious I get the harder it is for me to focus on things I enjoy like writing, video games, or even just reading a book. December is usually my worst month when it comes to anxiety and it tends to increase as Christmas gets closer. Once Christmas is over I stabilize again. *Shrugs* Living with PTSD, there are good days and bad days. The trick is enjoying the good days and not letting the bad days drag you down. PTSD is hard enough without constantly putting yourself down about the bad days. I say that though I often find myself putting myself down for bad days. It's kinda part of the symptom cluster, but I try to be kind to myself. If you're reading this and you have PTSD, take a deep breath. It's okay. We'll get through this. Don't believe the lie that it will never get better.
Since I'm on the subject of Christmas and PTSD I will include an update. This month I felt like I was going up in flames. Each day was harder and I had quite a few bad PTSD episodes. Thankfully God gave me safe people in my life that I can turn to when things get hard. The thing about PTSD is you can't recover on your own. It takes opening up and trusting other people, letting them be there for you, and believing that you can overcome this. When other people believe in you it's easier to believe in yourself too. This Christmas a true miracle happened. I stood up for myself, set boundaries, refused to pick up guilt I shouldn't carry, and resolved to leave and take care of myself if my boundaries weren't honored. That is a miracle in and of itself, but what really got me was that when I stood up for myself and set my boundaries, the boundaries were honored! I could feel God in the room with me, being my strength. It was a great moment and a huge victory. I look back at it now and I feel so strong and encouraged. I have a voice and it matters.
Now that I'm coming down from my super high anxiety I can take a deep breath and just relax, let all the stress fall off of my shoulders. I got a beautiful moment with friends to do just that. I had a girls' night out. Now, I'm not the girly type. I didn't play with Barbie dolls or go to sleepovers where the highlight was giving each other makeovers and wearing those weird mud masks. I live with two other women and we are so close we consider one another family. With the holidays and jobs and visiting family we haven't had a lot of time to just hang out together. So we planned an evening together for just us girls. Since we all had gift cards for the place, we went to Steak 'N Shake for dinner. Of course, since we're all book lovers we swung by the bookstore. There's something relaxing and just fun about bookstores. I don't know what it is. Our favorite is Half Price Books. Just like the name suggests, we find a lot of bargains there, though most of the time I just like to browse and take in the bookstore atmosphere. Maybe it's just the feeling of so many ideas and creativity in one place.
On the way home we got a little spontaneous and had a car dance party. Well, two of us had a car dance party. Someone had to be an adult and drive safely (it wasn't me!). The song Shake It Off came on and without planning or saying a word to each other we just started to car dance. You know the dances you only really do in a car because you're strapped to your seat and have limited space to work with. I'm a dancer. I would say used to be a dancer, but the love for dancing is still alive and restless in me. I haven't really danced in so many years. Dancing requires you to use your body to do something amazing and creative. My PTSD of course likes to wreak havoc with that. Dancing also used to bring up painful memories for me, but that's something I'm happy to say is being redeemed. So participating in a car dance party was a big step for me and I loved it! It felt so freeing and healing to just let go and give expression to the dance in me that has been caged for so long. It was also a bonding experience with my friends. So many times I wouldn't participate in spontaneous dancing with them. I would want to, but it hurt and I was afraid. I saw my friend's eyes light up when I started dancing with her. We're close and she knows my wounds. So our dancing was pure fun plus celebration. We rocked it and I'm sure people in the other cars were staring. Let them stare! It was fun!
You know what? Just blogging again and sharing this makes me smile. I've struggled in the past with feeling guilty for being happy. But right now I'm happy, and that's perfectly okay. I'm simply happy and simply loved.
Thanks for reading!
Since I'm on the subject of Christmas and PTSD I will include an update. This month I felt like I was going up in flames. Each day was harder and I had quite a few bad PTSD episodes. Thankfully God gave me safe people in my life that I can turn to when things get hard. The thing about PTSD is you can't recover on your own. It takes opening up and trusting other people, letting them be there for you, and believing that you can overcome this. When other people believe in you it's easier to believe in yourself too. This Christmas a true miracle happened. I stood up for myself, set boundaries, refused to pick up guilt I shouldn't carry, and resolved to leave and take care of myself if my boundaries weren't honored. That is a miracle in and of itself, but what really got me was that when I stood up for myself and set my boundaries, the boundaries were honored! I could feel God in the room with me, being my strength. It was a great moment and a huge victory. I look back at it now and I feel so strong and encouraged. I have a voice and it matters.
Now that I'm coming down from my super high anxiety I can take a deep breath and just relax, let all the stress fall off of my shoulders. I got a beautiful moment with friends to do just that. I had a girls' night out. Now, I'm not the girly type. I didn't play with Barbie dolls or go to sleepovers where the highlight was giving each other makeovers and wearing those weird mud masks. I live with two other women and we are so close we consider one another family. With the holidays and jobs and visiting family we haven't had a lot of time to just hang out together. So we planned an evening together for just us girls. Since we all had gift cards for the place, we went to Steak 'N Shake for dinner. Of course, since we're all book lovers we swung by the bookstore. There's something relaxing and just fun about bookstores. I don't know what it is. Our favorite is Half Price Books. Just like the name suggests, we find a lot of bargains there, though most of the time I just like to browse and take in the bookstore atmosphere. Maybe it's just the feeling of so many ideas and creativity in one place.
On the way home we got a little spontaneous and had a car dance party. Well, two of us had a car dance party. Someone had to be an adult and drive safely (it wasn't me!). The song Shake It Off came on and without planning or saying a word to each other we just started to car dance. You know the dances you only really do in a car because you're strapped to your seat and have limited space to work with. I'm a dancer. I would say used to be a dancer, but the love for dancing is still alive and restless in me. I haven't really danced in so many years. Dancing requires you to use your body to do something amazing and creative. My PTSD of course likes to wreak havoc with that. Dancing also used to bring up painful memories for me, but that's something I'm happy to say is being redeemed. So participating in a car dance party was a big step for me and I loved it! It felt so freeing and healing to just let go and give expression to the dance in me that has been caged for so long. It was also a bonding experience with my friends. So many times I wouldn't participate in spontaneous dancing with them. I would want to, but it hurt and I was afraid. I saw my friend's eyes light up when I started dancing with her. We're close and she knows my wounds. So our dancing was pure fun plus celebration. We rocked it and I'm sure people in the other cars were staring. Let them stare! It was fun!
You know what? Just blogging again and sharing this makes me smile. I've struggled in the past with feeling guilty for being happy. But right now I'm happy, and that's perfectly okay. I'm simply happy and simply loved.
Thanks for reading!
Saturday, October 11, 2014
A Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day
It got to the point that it was all so ridiculous that I laughed. That has happened to me once before. I was a freshman in college. It felt like my world had fallen apart. I was struggling with so much from my past and my present. I could only live one day at a time because I didn't have enough hope to spread to tomorrow. I was having panic attacks regularly. I flipped from numb to horrible flashbacks daily. I couldn't sleep, I had terrible nightmares. I felt so alone and isolated and I didn't know how to ask for help. Depression hit me hard, and I didn't know it, but I also had PTSD. I was constantly holding back tears. I was leaving my English Comp I class thinking it just couldn't get much worse. Then I stepped out the door and it immediately started to rain. It was such a comedic moment. Of course when someone says that on TV or in a movie there's an immediate downpour. I looked up at the sky in disbelief and then burst out laughing. I truly believe that God has a sense of humor and that rain was one of those times. I smiled and thanked God for such a simple, funny, close moment with Him. Since that moment, I have loved getting caught in the rain. I'll stand in a downpour and let the rain soak me. I'll play in the puddles and dance and laugh. Every time I play in the rain it reminds me of that moment with Jesus, when things felt like they just couldn't get any worse and He was right there with me.
This time it didn't rain, but the ridiculousness of it reminded me sharply of that moment 7 years ago. It spanned more than a day and it was a big jumble of crummy circumstances made worse by depression and anxiety. I've been homesick since the last time I visited my hometown. I cried when I left and I don't even know why. I live 2 hours away from my hometown and my roommates had the idea that if we moved to a small city just south of our current city, we would be close enough to commute to work and church and cut the drive to visit friends and family almost in half. So we decided to take a day and drive down there and check out potential apartments. It was a nightmare. Yes, it was smaller and more country, but I couldn't see any of the countryside. The fog was thick all day. It was like the clouds had gotten tired and fallen down onto the earth. The weather had a marked effect on my mood. My depression fed off it like it was cheesecake. The downtown area, which we passed through like a billion times, was oppressive. Just complicated to begin with, plus construction. We had a long list of places to look at. We didn't like any of them. The likely places didn't accept cats or demanded they be declawed. We got tired. I got carsick plus a headache. I had to reschedule my chiropractor appointment (I threw out my back) so we could apartment search. We gave up after a while and drove back to our apartment.
Later one of my roommates asked to borrow my car so she could babysit. Of course I said yes. A few hours later I got a frantic call. My car's gas pedal stopped working. My roommate pulled over to the side of the road and cut the engine. Then the car refused to start. Another roommate and I drove to find her, bickering along the way. The day had worn on us all. It was dark and windy. There was a constant cold drizzle and cars swept by us at alarming speeds. I checked my car, the battery was stone cold dead. We had a gadget to jump off the car. It took us a long time to pop the hood because we couldn't see. None of us had flashlights on our phones. Once we got the hood open, I connected the cables. The gadget's battery was dead as well. So we dangerously maneuvered my roommate's car to face mine and jumped off my car the old fashioned way. That's right, 3 girls successfully jumped off a car! But on the way home, my car's gas pedal stopped working 3 or 4 times. It looked like my car would be stranded more than once. I made it to a gas station and filled up the tank and put in a gas treatment to clean out any bad gas or water from my tank. It wasn't bad gas or water. It didn't help at all lol. I had to park on the street and walk up the hill to my apartment. I wasn't about to risk a hill with a faulty gas pedal. I had to force myself to eat supper because that day just took my appetite away.
I had a lot of trouble sleeping. My anxiety went into overdrive. I had scattered dreams and woke up frantically several times and had to coach myself to calm down. I was worrying about everything, absolutely everything. It's funny when I look back at it, but it was terrible to live through lol. I needed to sleep well because I had work the next day, my dad was coming up to help fix my car, and I was scheduled to serve at church. Work is stressful sometimes because I get mixed signals on what's expected of me. What if something horrible was wrong with my car? We're moving to another apartment next month and we still don't have an apartment lined up to move into. What if my depression gets worse? I'm so homesick. Will I ever not miss my hometown? I could lose my health insurance any day because my dad could be laid off any day now. I have to get my own insurance soon, I'm about to turn 26. How am I going to afford it? I have no idea how to buy insurance. What if I hurt my back worse at work? My grandpa wants me to go back to school and get my Masters degree. I have no idea what I want to do. Should I tell the guy I like that I like him? What if that's a bad idea? Should girls tell guys they like them or is that tacky, there's so many mixed signals here! What if he doesn't like me back? I have 3 jobs, will I ever pay off my student loans? This is just a sample of all the crazy things that were going through my mind.
The next day another roommate drove me to work. She had to work as well, so I had to arrive at work an hour early. I wasn't able to serve at church due to having to fix my car while my dad was available to help. I actually didn't have a meltdown this time. It finally dipped into the "so ridiculous that it's funny" point while I was at work. I somehow managed to destroy my clothes. It was at that point that I smiled and just shook my head. I remembered that sudden rain 7 years ago and I had peace that no matter how many bad things happen, Jesus has the whole world in His hands. I'm not alone and I'm not abandoned. He has me and He takes care of me. He got me through before and I know His love is unfailing and His faithfulness never ends. He never has a second thought about me and is always for me. No matter what happens, I really have nothing to worry about, even when I can't see that.
Since that moment, my brain has flipped a bit and started back towards normalcy. I've noticed a pattern. I have some good, peaceful time. Then my anxiety and depression spike. Then I come back to the peace. It sounds awful. But I always have hope. Even when I can't see the hope that I have, my Hope still sees me.
Thanks for reading!
This time it didn't rain, but the ridiculousness of it reminded me sharply of that moment 7 years ago. It spanned more than a day and it was a big jumble of crummy circumstances made worse by depression and anxiety. I've been homesick since the last time I visited my hometown. I cried when I left and I don't even know why. I live 2 hours away from my hometown and my roommates had the idea that if we moved to a small city just south of our current city, we would be close enough to commute to work and church and cut the drive to visit friends and family almost in half. So we decided to take a day and drive down there and check out potential apartments. It was a nightmare. Yes, it was smaller and more country, but I couldn't see any of the countryside. The fog was thick all day. It was like the clouds had gotten tired and fallen down onto the earth. The weather had a marked effect on my mood. My depression fed off it like it was cheesecake. The downtown area, which we passed through like a billion times, was oppressive. Just complicated to begin with, plus construction. We had a long list of places to look at. We didn't like any of them. The likely places didn't accept cats or demanded they be declawed. We got tired. I got carsick plus a headache. I had to reschedule my chiropractor appointment (I threw out my back) so we could apartment search. We gave up after a while and drove back to our apartment.
Later one of my roommates asked to borrow my car so she could babysit. Of course I said yes. A few hours later I got a frantic call. My car's gas pedal stopped working. My roommate pulled over to the side of the road and cut the engine. Then the car refused to start. Another roommate and I drove to find her, bickering along the way. The day had worn on us all. It was dark and windy. There was a constant cold drizzle and cars swept by us at alarming speeds. I checked my car, the battery was stone cold dead. We had a gadget to jump off the car. It took us a long time to pop the hood because we couldn't see. None of us had flashlights on our phones. Once we got the hood open, I connected the cables. The gadget's battery was dead as well. So we dangerously maneuvered my roommate's car to face mine and jumped off my car the old fashioned way. That's right, 3 girls successfully jumped off a car! But on the way home, my car's gas pedal stopped working 3 or 4 times. It looked like my car would be stranded more than once. I made it to a gas station and filled up the tank and put in a gas treatment to clean out any bad gas or water from my tank. It wasn't bad gas or water. It didn't help at all lol. I had to park on the street and walk up the hill to my apartment. I wasn't about to risk a hill with a faulty gas pedal. I had to force myself to eat supper because that day just took my appetite away.
I had a lot of trouble sleeping. My anxiety went into overdrive. I had scattered dreams and woke up frantically several times and had to coach myself to calm down. I was worrying about everything, absolutely everything. It's funny when I look back at it, but it was terrible to live through lol. I needed to sleep well because I had work the next day, my dad was coming up to help fix my car, and I was scheduled to serve at church. Work is stressful sometimes because I get mixed signals on what's expected of me. What if something horrible was wrong with my car? We're moving to another apartment next month and we still don't have an apartment lined up to move into. What if my depression gets worse? I'm so homesick. Will I ever not miss my hometown? I could lose my health insurance any day because my dad could be laid off any day now. I have to get my own insurance soon, I'm about to turn 26. How am I going to afford it? I have no idea how to buy insurance. What if I hurt my back worse at work? My grandpa wants me to go back to school and get my Masters degree. I have no idea what I want to do. Should I tell the guy I like that I like him? What if that's a bad idea? Should girls tell guys they like them or is that tacky, there's so many mixed signals here! What if he doesn't like me back? I have 3 jobs, will I ever pay off my student loans? This is just a sample of all the crazy things that were going through my mind.
The next day another roommate drove me to work. She had to work as well, so I had to arrive at work an hour early. I wasn't able to serve at church due to having to fix my car while my dad was available to help. I actually didn't have a meltdown this time. It finally dipped into the "so ridiculous that it's funny" point while I was at work. I somehow managed to destroy my clothes. It was at that point that I smiled and just shook my head. I remembered that sudden rain 7 years ago and I had peace that no matter how many bad things happen, Jesus has the whole world in His hands. I'm not alone and I'm not abandoned. He has me and He takes care of me. He got me through before and I know His love is unfailing and His faithfulness never ends. He never has a second thought about me and is always for me. No matter what happens, I really have nothing to worry about, even when I can't see that.
Since that moment, my brain has flipped a bit and started back towards normalcy. I've noticed a pattern. I have some good, peaceful time. Then my anxiety and depression spike. Then I come back to the peace. It sounds awful. But I always have hope. Even when I can't see the hope that I have, my Hope still sees me.
Thanks for reading!
Thursday, October 2, 2014
To Tech Or Not To Tech
So some ideas have been bouncing around in my head lately. I don't know yet if they will amount to much or not. I have a lot of ideas that never make it off the drawing board. I'm not that great with technology. I don't know the ins and outs of how to do things. But for several years I've wanted to create online content. That's one of the reasons I blog. But I've also wanted to make videos, maybe even podcast. I really enjoy blogging but I've thought for years, even before I got up the courage to actually start a blog, that I could do more.
I've shot a video or two in the past. I wasn't onscreen for the videos, most of them anyway. I tended to have the camera pointed towards someone or something highly amusing at the time. I've only shared those videos on facebook or not at all. Back in my high school days I was big on voice recordings. I recorded anything and everything. At one point I think I recorded an entire day at school just so one day I could look back at a typical day in high school. Still have the recordings. Besides using technology, I also used to write poetry and draw. Shortly after graduating high school my PTSD got to such an extent that I had a lot of trouble trying to focus on anything. Even my reading suffered and I've been called a bookworm my whole life. I just couldn't escape my anxiety, couldn't disappear into a book or get in the zone to write or draw much.
Speaking of my anxiety. I found an interesting way to calm myself at work. Since I've realized that my anxiety has taken a turn towards being more generalized anxiety (meaning I freak out over everything instead of from just triggers) it's become more of a day to day issue than before. I don't know what sets it off these days so it's a learning experience. But while working this morning I found myself singing a song from church. Singing quietly by myself like that for some reason soothed my anxiety so I kept it up. I sang whatever came to mind. Imagining the countryside from my hometown helped as well. I'm a country girl at heart.
Well, this post has taken me a ridiculously long time to write so I'm going to go ahead and post this.
Thanks for reading!
I've shot a video or two in the past. I wasn't onscreen for the videos, most of them anyway. I tended to have the camera pointed towards someone or something highly amusing at the time. I've only shared those videos on facebook or not at all. Back in my high school days I was big on voice recordings. I recorded anything and everything. At one point I think I recorded an entire day at school just so one day I could look back at a typical day in high school. Still have the recordings. Besides using technology, I also used to write poetry and draw. Shortly after graduating high school my PTSD got to such an extent that I had a lot of trouble trying to focus on anything. Even my reading suffered and I've been called a bookworm my whole life. I just couldn't escape my anxiety, couldn't disappear into a book or get in the zone to write or draw much.
Speaking of my anxiety. I found an interesting way to calm myself at work. Since I've realized that my anxiety has taken a turn towards being more generalized anxiety (meaning I freak out over everything instead of from just triggers) it's become more of a day to day issue than before. I don't know what sets it off these days so it's a learning experience. But while working this morning I found myself singing a song from church. Singing quietly by myself like that for some reason soothed my anxiety so I kept it up. I sang whatever came to mind. Imagining the countryside from my hometown helped as well. I'm a country girl at heart.
Well, this post has taken me a ridiculously long time to write so I'm going to go ahead and post this.
Thanks for reading!
Thursday, September 25, 2014
A Dual Reality
This week has been a mixture of good and pain. Such a crazy mixture that makes no sense. I have confidence again. I feel more solid and just more myself this week. My anxiety is so low. It's awesome! I don't know how my anxiety is low. With the past 2 weeks that I've had, it should be a bit higher than normal. But no, I'm finding myself speaking up more and just being spontaneously myself. It just feels like Jesus took all my prayers and all the crazy parts of my life and made them make sense again. Up is up and down is down again. What doesn't make sense is that so much is still happening in my life and I'm finding challenges around every corner. I've had conversations with people that have hurt me in the past and I haven't gone off into anxietyland. That's rare and it makes me feel so strong. To face a huge PTSD trigger and not get triggered is one of the best feelings for someone who has freaked out over much smaller triggers.
It's such a weird dual reality, being happy and sad at the same time. I'm happy because I'm not struggling with anxiety. I'm being myself and that's something I've missed since I had that last bad PTSD episode. I'm sad because with the clarity came a realization that was painful. The heart is so hard to understand and pretty much impossible to control. You can't make your heart feel something that's not there and you can't remove something that is there. You just can't force your heart. With my realization came an action step that I had to take, not just for my sake. It was hard. I think it's one of the hardest things I've ever done. Nobody ever tells you that when you end a relationship with someone you care deeply about, it breaks a part of your heart, even when you're the one to initiate it and only feel friendship for that person. It breaks your heart because you care so much about that person. You want only good for that person. What hurts so bad is in order to do the loving thing, you have to first do something that hurts the other person, because they deserve more than what you can give them. Friendship is a powerful force of love in its own right, but in a relationship, it's not fair to the other person to stay if friendship is the only force of love. It hurt like heck. I am not happy. I am not bouncing around rejoicing the return of my singleness. I'm sad because in order to love a friend well, I had to hurt that friend.
So yeah, gosh, I'm single again and my family will be pulling out their mourning clothes after reading this. My family was so happy when I told them I was in a relationship. For some of them, it was shear relief that I wasn't a lesbian like they had begun to suspect. Apparently when you go 6 years without having a boyfriend, people begin to wonder if you're even into men. It shocked me to hear their fears, but I set them straight. No pun intended lol. I am once again the spinster of the family. The future is just as unknowable as ever.
In other news, I have started watching classic Doctor Who and really digging it! It's so different and the same thing at the same time! One thing I have noticed is the Doctor is not running from the next thing to the next thing like he's being timed. He's just kinda chilling. Each reincarnation of him is a little different and I love that about the Doctor. The older episodes have such a classy feel to them, like watching an old, well loved classic movie. Speaking of the Doctor, I literally hear the Tardis every day at work. I'm still trying to discover the source of that unique sound. It's possible that it's a ringtone, but if so it's a very powerful and consistent one. I've hurriedly turned corners looking for the source of the noise and I've yet to see someone whipping their phone out of their pocket. It sounds like it's coming from the ceiling. I will, of course, keep investigating this phenomenon. Speaking of work, did you know that there is a such thing as make up for your legs? I was stocking make up today for 4 hours. I know nothing about the stuff but, do people really put it on their legs???
Well, that's all I got this time. Thanks for reading.
-Kawika
It's such a weird dual reality, being happy and sad at the same time. I'm happy because I'm not struggling with anxiety. I'm being myself and that's something I've missed since I had that last bad PTSD episode. I'm sad because with the clarity came a realization that was painful. The heart is so hard to understand and pretty much impossible to control. You can't make your heart feel something that's not there and you can't remove something that is there. You just can't force your heart. With my realization came an action step that I had to take, not just for my sake. It was hard. I think it's one of the hardest things I've ever done. Nobody ever tells you that when you end a relationship with someone you care deeply about, it breaks a part of your heart, even when you're the one to initiate it and only feel friendship for that person. It breaks your heart because you care so much about that person. You want only good for that person. What hurts so bad is in order to do the loving thing, you have to first do something that hurts the other person, because they deserve more than what you can give them. Friendship is a powerful force of love in its own right, but in a relationship, it's not fair to the other person to stay if friendship is the only force of love. It hurt like heck. I am not happy. I am not bouncing around rejoicing the return of my singleness. I'm sad because in order to love a friend well, I had to hurt that friend.
So yeah, gosh, I'm single again and my family will be pulling out their mourning clothes after reading this. My family was so happy when I told them I was in a relationship. For some of them, it was shear relief that I wasn't a lesbian like they had begun to suspect. Apparently when you go 6 years without having a boyfriend, people begin to wonder if you're even into men. It shocked me to hear their fears, but I set them straight. No pun intended lol. I am once again the spinster of the family. The future is just as unknowable as ever.
In other news, I have started watching classic Doctor Who and really digging it! It's so different and the same thing at the same time! One thing I have noticed is the Doctor is not running from the next thing to the next thing like he's being timed. He's just kinda chilling. Each reincarnation of him is a little different and I love that about the Doctor. The older episodes have such a classy feel to them, like watching an old, well loved classic movie. Speaking of the Doctor, I literally hear the Tardis every day at work. I'm still trying to discover the source of that unique sound. It's possible that it's a ringtone, but if so it's a very powerful and consistent one. I've hurriedly turned corners looking for the source of the noise and I've yet to see someone whipping their phone out of their pocket. It sounds like it's coming from the ceiling. I will, of course, keep investigating this phenomenon. Speaking of work, did you know that there is a such thing as make up for your legs? I was stocking make up today for 4 hours. I know nothing about the stuff but, do people really put it on their legs???
Well, that's all I got this time. Thanks for reading.
-Kawika
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)