It has been such a long time since I got to write! Anxiety has that effect on me. The more anxious I get the harder it is for me to focus on things I enjoy like writing, video games, or even just reading a book. December is usually my worst month when it comes to anxiety and it tends to increase as Christmas gets closer. Once Christmas is over I stabilize again. *Shrugs* Living with PTSD, there are good days and bad days. The trick is enjoying the good days and not letting the bad days drag you down. PTSD is hard enough without constantly putting yourself down about the bad days. I say that though I often find myself putting myself down for bad days. It's kinda part of the symptom cluster, but I try to be kind to myself. If you're reading this and you have PTSD, take a deep breath. It's okay. We'll get through this. Don't believe the lie that it will never get better.
Since I'm on the subject of Christmas and PTSD I will include an update. This month I felt like I was going up in flames. Each day was harder and I had quite a few bad PTSD episodes. Thankfully God gave me safe people in my life that I can turn to when things get hard. The thing about PTSD is you can't recover on your own. It takes opening up and trusting other people, letting them be there for you, and believing that you can overcome this. When other people believe in you it's easier to believe in yourself too. This Christmas a true miracle happened. I stood up for myself, set boundaries, refused to pick up guilt I shouldn't carry, and resolved to leave and take care of myself if my boundaries weren't honored. That is a miracle in and of itself, but what really got me was that when I stood up for myself and set my boundaries, the boundaries were honored! I could feel God in the room with me, being my strength. It was a great moment and a huge victory. I look back at it now and I feel so strong and encouraged. I have a voice and it matters.
Now that I'm coming down from my super high anxiety I can take a deep breath and just relax, let all the stress fall off of my shoulders. I got a beautiful moment with friends to do just that. I had a girls' night out. Now, I'm not the girly type. I didn't play with Barbie dolls or go to sleepovers where the highlight was giving each other makeovers and wearing those weird mud masks. I live with two other women and we are so close we consider one another family. With the holidays and jobs and visiting family we haven't had a lot of time to just hang out together. So we planned an evening together for just us girls. Since we all had gift cards for the place, we went to Steak 'N Shake for dinner. Of course, since we're all book lovers we swung by the bookstore. There's something relaxing and just fun about bookstores. I don't know what it is. Our favorite is Half Price Books. Just like the name suggests, we find a lot of bargains there, though most of the time I just like to browse and take in the bookstore atmosphere. Maybe it's just the feeling of so many ideas and creativity in one place.
On the way home we got a little spontaneous and had a car dance party. Well, two of us had a car dance party. Someone had to be an adult and drive safely (it wasn't me!). The song Shake It Off came on and without planning or saying a word to each other we just started to car dance. You know the dances you only really do in a car because you're strapped to your seat and have limited space to work with. I'm a dancer. I would say used to be a dancer, but the love for dancing is still alive and restless in me. I haven't really danced in so many years. Dancing requires you to use your body to do something amazing and creative. My PTSD of course likes to wreak havoc with that. Dancing also used to bring up painful memories for me, but that's something I'm happy to say is being redeemed. So participating in a car dance party was a big step for me and I loved it! It felt so freeing and healing to just let go and give expression to the dance in me that has been caged for so long. It was also a bonding experience with my friends. So many times I wouldn't participate in spontaneous dancing with them. I would want to, but it hurt and I was afraid. I saw my friend's eyes light up when I started dancing with her. We're close and she knows my wounds. So our dancing was pure fun plus celebration. We rocked it and I'm sure people in the other cars were staring. Let them stare! It was fun!
You know what? Just blogging again and sharing this makes me smile. I've struggled in the past with feeling guilty for being happy. But right now I'm happy, and that's perfectly okay. I'm simply happy and simply loved.
Thanks for reading!
