Steak 'N Shake It Off

It has been such a long time since I got to write! Anxiety has that effect on me. The more anxious I get the harder it is for me to focus on things I enjoy like writing, video games, or even just reading a book. December is usually my worst month when it comes to anxiety and it tends to increase as Christmas gets closer. Once Christmas is over I stabilize again. *Shrugs* Living with PTSD, there are good days and bad days. The trick is enjoying the good days and not letting the bad days drag you down. PTSD is hard enough without constantly putting yourself down about the bad days. I say that though I often find myself putting myself down for bad days. It's kinda part of the symptom cluster, but I try to be kind to myself. If you're reading this and you have PTSD, take a deep breath. It's okay. We'll get through this. Don't believe the lie that it will never get better.

Since I'm on the subject of Christmas and PTSD I will include an update. This month I felt like I was going up in flames. Each day was harder and I had quite a few bad PTSD episodes. Thankfully God gave me safe people in my life that I can turn to when things get hard. The thing about PTSD is you can't recover on your own. It takes opening up and trusting other people, letting them be there for you, and believing that you can overcome this. When other people believe in you it's easier to believe in yourself too. This Christmas a true miracle happened. I stood up for myself, set boundaries, refused to pick up guilt I shouldn't carry, and resolved to leave and take care of myself if my boundaries weren't honored. That is a miracle in and of itself, but what really got me was that when I stood up for myself and set my boundaries, the boundaries were honored! I could feel God in the room with me, being my strength. It was a great moment and a huge victory. I look back at it now and I feel so strong and encouraged. I have a voice and it matters.

Now that I'm coming down from my super high anxiety I can take a deep breath and just relax, let all the stress fall off of my shoulders. I got a beautiful moment with friends to do just that. I had a girls' night out. Now, I'm not the girly type. I didn't play with Barbie dolls or go to sleepovers where the highlight was giving each other makeovers and wearing those weird mud masks. I live with two other women and we are so close we consider one another family. With the holidays and jobs and visiting family we haven't had a lot of time to just hang out together. So we planned an evening together for just us girls. Since we all had gift cards for the place, we went to Steak 'N Shake for dinner. Of course, since we're all book lovers we swung by the bookstore. There's something relaxing and just fun about bookstores. I don't know what it is. Our favorite is Half Price Books. Just like the name suggests, we find a lot of bargains there, though most of the time I just like to browse and take in the bookstore atmosphere. Maybe it's just the feeling of so many ideas and creativity in one place.

On the way home we got a little spontaneous and had a car dance party. Well, two of us had a car dance party. Someone had to be an adult and drive safely (it wasn't me!). The song Shake It Off came on and without planning or saying a word to each other we just started to car dance. You know the dances you only really do in a car because you're strapped to your seat and have limited space to work with. I'm a dancer. I would say used to be a dancer, but the love for dancing is still alive and restless in me. I haven't really danced in so many years. Dancing requires you to use your body to do something amazing and creative. My PTSD of course likes to wreak havoc with that. Dancing also used to bring up painful memories for me, but that's something I'm happy to say is being redeemed. So participating in a car dance party was a big step for me and I loved it! It felt so freeing and healing to just let go and give expression to the dance in me that has been caged for so long. It was also a bonding experience with my friends. So many times I wouldn't participate in spontaneous dancing with them. I would want to, but it hurt and I was afraid. I saw my friend's eyes light up when I started dancing with her. We're close and she knows my wounds. So our dancing was pure fun plus celebration. We rocked it and I'm sure people in the other cars were staring. Let them stare! It was fun!

You know what? Just blogging again and sharing this makes me smile. I've struggled in the past with feeling guilty for being happy. But right now I'm happy, and that's perfectly okay. I'm simply happy and simply loved.

Thanks for reading!

Roasted Twizzlers And Other Adventures

So much has happened since my last post! I feel like my brain is only now catching up. You know a lot of changes have taken place in your life really quickly when you go to your fairly new job and it's the most familiar thing in your day. I can say that I am doing quite amazing! There's been several changes, some of which I will talk about here and some that I won't, but all of them are good changes. It's been a crazy awesome adventure!

First of all, I've finally bucked under the iron-fisted intolerance against country music in my apartment. I have one roommate that dislikes the country and music in general and the other hates country music with a boiling passion. Here I am, the country girl who grew up on a farm and loved it. I'd noticed that I always listened to a country radio station when I visited my hometown. But I stopped listening to it over the past 3 years living in the city. When I cried on the way back to the city after visiting my old hometown is when I decided: "The heck with this! I'm going to listen to it!" It was like reclaiming territory that used to bring painful memories of my past. *cues video game victory music* Now it just brings up images of the beautiful mountains in my hometown and makes me feel peaceful. It makes me feel closer to home. This doesn't mean that I only listen to country music. My taste in music is ridiculously varied.

This past weekend I moved apartments. I'm in the same area. My new apartment is literally down the road from my old one. It's confusing when I come home from work because the route is so familiar. I haven't accidentally gone to the wrong place yet though. Had some close calls. The new place is smaller and I love that about it! It's interesting, but a smaller place helps with my anxiety. The city chafes against my anxiety so anything that makes my environment more simple serves to counteract that effect. I feel like I can breath in this place.

On the Assassin Training front, I have made great progress! After some trouble with sugar withdraws (my sugar intake was ridiculous when it came to drinks) I have arrived at my goal of drinking just water! Anything else is every great once in a while. Water is now my go to drink. I feel fantastic! Not just because I reached a goal, I physically feel great! Plus, an added bonus is I'm still steadily losing weight. The other morning I reached the 5th hole in my belt. I used to only be able to reach the 1st! I don't own a scale and I don't plan to own a scale. It helps keep my focus on my health instead of obsessing about weight.

If you're wondering about this post's title, yes, I did roast some Twizzlers. They were surprisingly delicious!

I've started a 2nd job doing childcare at my church during our freedom and recovery ministry nights. Working with children is a challenge for me. Usually I attend a group during these nights, but it looks like Jesus has a class just for me. It's called childcare. It's challenging, stretching, healing, and so much fun. My anxiety immediately jumps when I'm around children. They're so innocent and vulnerable. So trusting. They always pull me out of my shell, whether I want to be out of my shell or not. Slowly, Jesus is reminding me how to just simply trust, love, and be myself. I usually start out intensely uncomfortable and anxious and eventually I'm sitting down playing with the kids, remembering how to let go and be a kid myself. I truly believe being in touch in your inner kid is very spiritually healthy. It reminds us that we aren't in control, we're totally dependent on a Daddy who loves us more than we can possibly imagine.

There were many fun adventures hanging out with those little ones! Two of them decided they wanted to bond with me. So they threw me in jail. I tried to talk my way out of it. I asked passing kids if they would bail me out or bust me out. One kid was tempted, but then just smiled at me and walked away. I was all like "I thought we were tight!" lol. I argued that they didn't read me my Miranda Rights. Of course that didn't work. Then I got creative. I glanced at my prison guards and said: "Oh, it looks like you accidentally built my cell out of chocolate" and I ate my way out of jail. I was re-arrested about 3 steps from my cell. After a few more escape attempts I finally turned to one of them and asked, "What was my crime?" The response: "You bit a dragon!" . . . . . . My bad! Lol. After that clarification they pulled the whole good cop bad cop routine on me. These kids are awesome!

I have so many fun stories from childcare! I want to write about all of them, but that would make my post really really long and it's already long. I will mention that there was a little girl who decided that her baby doll's name was "Cereal." This kid is going places. I could feel my time with these kids healing my heart. I came out of my shell and actually got comfortable. I was safe and they were safe. They trusted me and felt safe with me and I started accepting that. My lap became a popular seat during that Veggie Tales movie we watched and I started to learn that it's okay to hold them. They're safe with me. I've been afraid around children for years because I blamed myself for the abuse in my past. I thought that if I was around them, I would somehow infect them with whatever badness was inside me that caused my hurt. On a mind level, I know that's not true. But sometimes it takes more than head knowledge to reach those hurt places in the heart. So many times Jesus heals people with people.

And that's simply beautiful.

Conquering Fears

There's a phrase in the Bible that for several weeks I kept hearing over and over: Be strong and courageous. It was in the verse I received at my church's leadership retreat. It was the verse of the day when I shadowed at kids' church. I kept running across it in my personal Bible reading. It popped up in encouragement from friends and in messages. As I was looking over the past several days since my last post, I noticed a similar theme. Left and right I have been facing and overcoming fears.

Fear #1

I was recently asked if I was interested in being employed by my church to do childcare during different events. Shortly after high school, in the middle of my PTSD taking off, I developed really high anxiety around children. I would look at them and they were just so vulnerable and innocent. I was so anxious and scared for them. I was still struggling with self blame for the abuse I had just escaped and so I feared that there was something wrong with me. That since I felt I had caused my own abuse, children weren't safe around me. It sounds nuts, but that's the sort of logic that was at work in my head. I even shied away from hugs and holding my little siblings hands. I didn't want to infect them with whatever was bad inside me.

After many years of healing work with Jesus, I can see that my logic was severely flawed and that children are safe around me. Therefore, I shouldn't be anxious around them. Enter this employment opportunity. Leading up to this, I felt that Jesus had been gently telling me that it was time to let that fear go. I had correct logic, but I was still holding onto the fear. So I took the plunge and shadowed at childcare. That essentially means that I jumped into interaction with the kids. There was no standing back and observing. I found that I wasn't really afraid anymore. I was the only one holding me back. I had a blast with those little kids. All I had to do was let go and just be myself. The rest came naturally. Those kids are awesome! I just felt my heart grow a little bigger with each little face I connected with. I got to shadow the preschool room one night and the baby room another night.

Fear #2

My second fear face off was much scarier. I was always a tomboy growing up. I was a tough kid with the "anything you can do I can do better" attitude. Most girls were afraid of so many things, but I would challenge myself with fears in an attempt to out-courage my brother and the other boys. I was so competitive with my brother. So, this second fear is a little embarrassing. It was a bug. Now, let me defend myself here lol. It was a centipede. Some of those suckers can bite and kill me because of my allergy to bee stings. It wasn't just a centipede, though that was bad enough by itself. It was a house centipede. This is what they look like:

It looks like the unholy offspring of a centipede and a spider. I've read that these little demons can bite and sting. To top it off, they are very fast. I just happened to notice a dark spot on the wall on the stair landing. I turned on the light and immediately felt ill. I knew I had to kill it. I could not breath comfortably in my apartment until it was destroyed. I was shaking and had to shoo it out of different corners so I could get a good shot at it with a heavy shoe. At one point I was cut off from the front door and seriously considered myself trapped in my own apartment. He was just so fast! And CREEPY!!! I took aim and missed more than once. When I finally got him I felt some relief, but it wasn't enough to soothe me from the fact that those things exist and one was in my apartment! I was alone in my apartment! Every time I see a centipede I yell for help and someone else rescues me. This time, I had to fight that battle myself, and I won. But I'm still really creeped out and can't wait to move to my new apartment next month. *involuntary shudder*

Fear #3

For more than several weeks I've been battling with super sensitive teeth on one side of my mouth. I hoped it would go away, but by now I'm naturally only chewing on one side of my mouth and avoiding cold foods. I finally picked up the phone today and called the dentist. They scheduled me for later the same day! Ahhhh!!!! I usually freak out for a full 48 hours before seeing the dentist. That was reduced to less than 3 hours. I struggle with dentist visits because I find them very triggering. I'd never gone to the dentist alone. Last time I went with 2 support people. This time, I was alone. I got brave and chose to go for it. To my amazement, I did fantastic! I had a male dentist; that's a trigger. I had to have an x ray; that's a big trigger. It was scary, uncomfortable, and triggering. I had to focus on breathing and staying calm, but I got through it and didn't have a panic attack or start shaking. I literally fist pumped as I walked out the door and video game victory music was playing in my head lol. I feel so strong to have faced one of my big triggers alone and handle it well!

Fear #4

In process.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

A Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

It got to the point that it was all so ridiculous that I laughed. That has happened to me once before. I was a freshman in college. It felt like my world had fallen apart. I was struggling with so much from my past and my present. I could only live one day at a time because I didn't have enough hope to spread to tomorrow. I was having panic attacks regularly. I flipped from numb to horrible flashbacks daily. I couldn't sleep, I had terrible nightmares. I felt so alone and isolated and I didn't know how to ask for help. Depression hit me hard, and I didn't know it, but I also had PTSD. I was constantly holding back tears. I was leaving my English Comp I class thinking it just couldn't get much worse. Then I stepped out the door and it immediately started to rain. It was such a comedic moment. Of course when someone says that on TV or in a movie there's an immediate downpour. I looked up at the sky in disbelief and then burst out laughing. I truly believe that God has a sense of humor and that rain was one of those times. I smiled and thanked God for such a simple, funny, close moment with Him. Since that moment, I have loved getting caught in the rain. I'll stand in a downpour and let the rain soak me. I'll play in the puddles and dance and laugh. Every time I play in the rain it reminds me of that moment with Jesus, when things felt like they just couldn't get any worse and He was right there with me.

This time it didn't rain, but the ridiculousness of it reminded me sharply of that moment 7 years ago. It spanned more than a day and it was a big jumble of crummy circumstances made worse by depression and anxiety. I've been homesick since the last time I visited my hometown. I cried when I left and I don't even know why. I live 2 hours away from my hometown and my roommates had the idea that if we moved to a small city just south of our current city, we would be close enough to commute to work and church and cut the drive to visit friends and family almost in half. So we decided to take a day and drive down there and check out potential apartments. It was a nightmare. Yes, it was smaller and more country, but I couldn't see any of the countryside. The fog was thick all day. It was like the clouds had gotten tired and fallen down onto the earth. The weather had a marked effect on my mood. My depression fed off it like it was cheesecake. The downtown area, which we passed through like a billion times, was oppressive. Just complicated to begin with, plus construction. We had a long list of places to look at. We didn't like any of them. The likely places didn't accept cats or demanded they be declawed. We got tired. I got carsick plus a headache. I had to reschedule my chiropractor appointment (I threw out my back) so we could apartment search. We gave up after a while and drove back to our apartment.

Later one of my roommates asked to borrow my car so she could babysit. Of course I said yes. A few hours later I got a frantic call. My car's gas pedal stopped working. My roommate pulled over to the side of the road and cut the engine. Then the car refused to start. Another roommate and I drove to find her, bickering along the way. The day had worn on us all. It was dark and windy. There was a constant cold drizzle and cars swept by us at alarming speeds. I checked my car, the battery was stone cold dead. We had a gadget to jump off the car. It took us a long time to pop the hood because we couldn't see. None of us had flashlights on our phones. Once we got the hood open, I connected the cables. The gadget's battery was dead as well. So we dangerously maneuvered my roommate's car to face mine and jumped off my car the old fashioned way. That's right, 3 girls successfully jumped off a car! But on the way home, my car's gas pedal stopped working 3 or 4 times. It looked like my car would be stranded more than once. I made it to a gas station and filled up the tank and put in a gas treatment to clean out any bad gas or water from my tank. It wasn't bad gas or water. It didn't help at all lol. I had to park on the street and walk up the hill to my apartment. I wasn't about to risk a hill with a faulty gas pedal. I had to force myself to eat supper because that day just took my appetite away.

I had a lot of trouble sleeping. My anxiety went into overdrive. I had scattered dreams and woke up frantically several times and had to coach myself to calm down. I was worrying about everything, absolutely everything. It's funny when I look back at it, but it was terrible to live through lol. I needed to sleep well because I had work the next day, my dad was coming up to help fix my car, and I was scheduled to serve at church. Work is stressful sometimes because I get mixed signals on what's expected of me. What if something horrible was wrong with my car? We're moving to another apartment next month and we still don't have an apartment lined up to move into. What if my depression gets worse? I'm so homesick. Will I ever not miss my hometown? I could lose my health insurance any day because my dad could be laid off any day now. I have to get my own insurance soon, I'm about to turn 26. How am I going to afford it? I have no idea how to buy insurance. What if I hurt my back worse at work? My grandpa wants me to go back to school and get my Masters degree. I have no idea what I want to do. Should I tell the guy I like that I like him? What if that's a bad idea? Should girls tell guys they like them or is that tacky, there's so many mixed signals here! What if he doesn't like me back? I have 3 jobs, will I ever pay off my student loans? This is just a sample of all the crazy things that were going through my mind.

The next day another roommate drove me to work. She had to work as well, so I had to arrive at work an hour early. I wasn't able to serve at church due to having to fix my car while my dad was available to help. I actually didn't have a meltdown this time. It finally dipped into the "so ridiculous that it's funny" point while I was at work. I somehow managed to destroy my clothes. It was at that point that I smiled and just shook my head. I remembered that sudden rain 7 years ago and I had peace that no matter how many bad things happen, Jesus has the whole world in His hands. I'm not alone and I'm not abandoned. He has me and He takes care of me. He got me through before and I know His love is unfailing and His faithfulness never ends. He never has a second thought about me and is always for me. No matter what happens, I really have nothing to worry about, even when I can't see that.

Since that moment, my brain has flipped a bit and started back towards normalcy. I've noticed a pattern. I have some good, peaceful time. Then my anxiety and depression spike. Then I come back to the peace. It sounds awful. But I always have hope. Even when I can't see the hope that I have, my Hope still sees me.

Thanks for reading!

Assassin Training Update

It's been a while since I gave an update about my assassin training. I've been focusing mainly on diet change. According to Nerd Fitness, your diet accounts for 80% of your success or failure. Since I once lost 40 pounds on diet change alone, I readily accept that. I started with cutting out soda. Originally, I stopped drinking soda for a time to get caffeine out of my system. My anxiety has made a move towards more generalized anxiety, rather than anxiety triggered from specific fears. It crept up on me slowly and, at first, I didn't know what was wrong with me. Now that I know that I get anxious in general now, I can take steps to combat it. Though it may feel like the sky is falling, it doesn't necessarily mean that anything is wrong. Equipped with that knowledge I tackled caffeine out of my diet. It was unnecessary fuel on the fire and once it left my system I started to calm down more quickly with my self reminders that everything is okay. Then something unexpected happened.

I hadn't decided to quit drinking soda for good. It was a step to take it out of my system for the time being until I improved. But after awhile I noticed that I had gone for about 2 weeks without drinking soda regularly. I wasn't dying for a coke. This was a good sign and I decided to use the momentum I had to just say goodbye to soda as a regular daily drink choice. I have now lost count of how many weeks it has been. I've only had a drink of soda rarely, and when I did it was caffeine free Sprite or 7 Up. I went from drinking multiple sodas a day to having about 2 in, I would guess the last month or 2. It feels great to have such a big step tackled already! It's really encouraging!

Something unexpected happened over the past few weeks though. At first I thought it was just wishful thinking on my part. But a week ago I got proof. I've lost 10 pounds! I thought my clothes felt a bit on the big side. I had taken note that I could tighten my belt further. Now I need my belt if I want to walk without holding my jeans up with one hand. It's a great feeling! I have tried to lose weight for years, ever since my thyroid went nuts back in 2010 and I gained 70 pounds in 2 months. Wow, that was a terrifying time. It seemed that no matter what I did, diet and exercise-wise, my newly acquired weight would not budge. And now I've dropped 10 pounds easily!

My newest diet change challenge is to move to drinking water as my main drink. I've already gotten a beautiful start on that. I also have extra motivation. My workplace has been shifting out polo shirts in our uniform and shifting in company T-shirts. There is a bit of a size difference. For example, a large polo shirt is the same size as an XLarge T-shirt. I did not know this when I picked up my shirts. So my new work shirts are a whole size smaller than the size I had been wearing. The amazing thing is, I just fit into it. It's slightly on the small side for my taste. I gravitate more towards extra room in my T-shirts, but it fits. Now I just gotta make sure I don't gain the weight back, and instead continue to lose weight. My new shirts will be a good measurement of that. I don't own a scale, unless you count my Wii Fit Balance Board. I found out I lost 10 pounds stepping onto my aunt's scale. It gave my weight in kilograms, which was annoying. But hey, I finally got to use that unit converter tool on my phone lol.

I hope to phase in my exercises again soon. I unfortunately overestimated myself while lifting a heavy crate. As a result a threw my back out a little bit again. I knew as soon as I straightened up that something was wrong. Back to the chiropractor. I didn't throw it out nearly as badly as I have in the past. I should be back in action again soon. I'm still on the quests of daily 10 minute walks and beginner body weight strength training on alternate days.

I will shout out to a friend, you know who you are. Thank you for sharing that quote from your pastor. Thank you for being an inspiration through your own health and fitness work. When I have those weak moments, I think of you sticking to your plan, and it helps me keep going. It's helps to know someone else is working hard to achieve a similar goal. Thanks for being an inspiration and encouragement. I wouldn't have made it this far if Jesus had not used you to get me really thinking about my health and inspired to do something about it. So thank you. :)

That's all for this post! Thanks for reading!

Soldiers, Irony, and a Britney Spears Dance Party

So I just had this random urge to watch M.A.S.H. and all of a sudden, no kidding, this really happened, M.A.S.H. came on the T.V. I decided to watch our 4 local channels instead of breaking out Netflix. I didn't know M.A.S.H. still aired! The urge probably had something to do with the book I've been reading, On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society. It's a psychology book I came across at Half Price Books on clearance. I have a psychology degree, I find it fascinating. So far the book has discussed the huge reluctance people have to killing other people, even if they're "the enemy," even to save their own life. It's something I've thought about, but never really knew was an actual thing. It's not often talked about. Interestingly, after I started reading this book and learned a little about the subject, I visited a good friend of mine and we watched an episode of The Twilight Zone. The episode was about soldiers and killing. What are the odds? So much of what I had just been learning about came up in that episode!

I would like to share something really ironic that happened earlier today. I had just gotten home from work and noticed that the trash needed to be taken out. On the way to the dumpster, lugging a few bags with me, the clouds split open and dropped a huge downpour. I looked at one of the bags I was carrying to the dumpster. Inside was a rain poncho I had decided to get rid of because I would never use it. Oh the irony.

I've decided to dabble in technology a bit. I really don't know what I'm doing, but I managed to figure out how to put a video in this post. Hooray! I was going to share my first video, but unfortunately I do not have that video. It's on my roommate's facebook and I don't have the option to download it. But I did have the option to download an old video of mine. I filmed this during my last year of college. It actually might have been the summer of 2011, right after I graduated from college. It was one of those spontaneous weird moments my sister and I have. *No animals were harmed in the making of this video. My sister's cats love her and have a lot of patience. They ran right up to her right after I ended the video.* Hope you enjoy. :)

To Tech Or Not To Tech

So some ideas have been bouncing around in my head lately. I don't know yet if they will amount to much or not. I have a lot of ideas that never make it off the drawing board. I'm not that great with technology. I don't know the ins and outs of how to do things. But for several years I've wanted to create online content. That's one of the reasons I blog. But I've also wanted to make videos, maybe even podcast. I really enjoy blogging but I've thought for years, even before I got up the courage to actually start a blog, that I could do more.

I've shot a video or two in the past. I wasn't onscreen for the videos, most of them anyway. I tended to have the camera pointed towards someone or something highly amusing at the time. I've only shared those videos on facebook or not at all. Back in my high school days I was big on voice recordings. I recorded anything and everything. At one point I think I recorded an entire day at school just so one day I could look back at a typical day in high school. Still have the recordings. Besides using technology, I also used to write poetry and draw. Shortly after graduating high school my PTSD got to such an extent that I had a lot of trouble trying to focus on anything. Even my reading suffered and I've been called a bookworm my whole life. I just couldn't escape my anxiety, couldn't disappear into a book or get in the zone to write or draw much.

Speaking of my anxiety. I found an interesting way to calm myself at work. Since I've realized that my anxiety has taken a turn towards being more generalized anxiety (meaning I freak out over everything instead of from just triggers) it's become more of a day to day issue than before. I don't know what sets it off these days so it's a learning experience. But while working this morning I found myself singing a song from church. Singing quietly by myself like that for some reason soothed my anxiety so I kept it up. I sang whatever came to mind. Imagining the countryside from my hometown helped as well. I'm a country girl at heart.

Well, this post has taken me a ridiculously long time to write so I'm going to go ahead and post this.

Thanks for reading!

The Mystery of the Tardis at Work

So after some investigation during the course of several workdays I finally got a lead on what makes the Tardis sound everyday at work. So far I'm the only person who has reacted to the Tardis sound. A few times I've quickly glanced around corners when it sounded close by. I'm sure some of the soda stockers think I'm a little crazy. The sound was always louder near them but I never ever saw one of them pull out a cell phone. It happened when I was in a part of the building I don't frequent. I was walking near the produce and I heard the Tardis again. I immediately veered towards the sound. I couldn't find anything that looked likely, but I did notice that the sound stopped at the exact moment that the vegetable misters turned off. You know how there's usually a vegetable wall in the produce section that periodically gets misted with water, for freshness I imagine. I made a mental note of that and went back to what I was doing. When I clocked out at the end of my shift I returned to the veggie wall and stared at it until the water turned on again. Again it coincided with the Tardis sound. I observed a little longer just in case it was a coincidence but no, the two consistently happen together. So now I have an answer to my Tardis mystery! I think it's pretty awesome that a random machine makes the Tardis sound and that it's not just a ringtone. There's something quirky about that that makes me smile.

Well, that's it's for this post. I would write more, want to write more, but my anxiety is making it difficult. There will be more later.

Thanks for reading!

A Dual Reality

This week has been a mixture of good and pain. Such a crazy mixture that makes no sense. I have confidence again. I feel more solid and just more myself this week. My anxiety is so low. It's awesome! I don't know how my anxiety is low. With the past 2 weeks that I've had, it should be a bit higher than normal. But no, I'm finding myself speaking up more and just being spontaneously myself. It just feels like Jesus took all my prayers and all the crazy parts of my life and made them make sense again. Up is up and down is down again. What doesn't make sense is that so much is still happening in my life and I'm finding challenges around every corner. I've had conversations with people that have hurt me in the past and I haven't gone off into anxietyland. That's rare and it makes me feel so strong. To face a huge PTSD trigger and not get triggered is one of the best feelings for someone who has freaked out over much smaller triggers.

It's such a weird dual reality, being happy and sad at the same time. I'm happy because I'm not struggling with anxiety. I'm being myself and that's something I've missed since I had that last bad PTSD episode. I'm sad because with the clarity came a realization that was painful. The heart is so hard to understand and pretty much impossible to control. You can't make your heart feel something that's not there and you can't remove something that is there. You just can't force your heart. With my realization came an action step that I had to take, not just for my sake. It was hard. I think it's one of the hardest things I've ever done. Nobody ever tells you that when you end a relationship with someone you care deeply about, it breaks a part of your heart, even when you're the one to initiate it and only feel friendship for that person. It breaks your heart because you care so much about that person. You want only good for that person. What hurts so bad is in order to do the loving thing, you have to first do something that hurts the other person, because they deserve more than what you can give them. Friendship is a powerful force of love in its own right, but in a relationship, it's not fair to the other person to stay if friendship is the only force of love. It hurt like heck. I am not happy. I am not bouncing around rejoicing the return of my singleness. I'm sad because in order to love a friend well, I had to hurt that friend.

So yeah, gosh, I'm single again and my family will be pulling out their mourning clothes after reading this. My family was so happy when I told them I was in a relationship. For some of them, it was shear relief that I wasn't a lesbian like they had begun to suspect. Apparently when you go 6 years without having a boyfriend, people begin to wonder if you're even into men. It shocked me to hear their fears, but I set them straight. No pun intended lol. I am once again the spinster of the family. The future is just as unknowable as ever.

In other news, I have started watching classic Doctor Who and really digging it! It's so different and the same thing at the same time! One thing I have noticed is the Doctor is not running from the next thing to the next thing like he's being timed. He's just kinda chilling. Each reincarnation of him is a little different and I love that about the Doctor. The older episodes have such a classy feel to them, like watching an old, well loved classic movie. Speaking of the Doctor, I literally hear the Tardis every day at work. I'm still trying to discover the source of that unique sound. It's possible that it's a ringtone, but if so it's a very powerful and consistent one. I've hurriedly turned corners looking for the source of the noise and I've yet to see someone whipping their phone out of their pocket. It sounds like it's coming from the ceiling. I will, of course, keep investigating this phenomenon. Speaking of work, did you know that there is a such thing as make up for your legs? I was stocking make up today for 4 hours. I know nothing about the stuff but, do people really put it on their legs???

Well, that's all I got this time. Thanks for reading.

-Kawika

The Downtown Detour/We Can't Even Direction Right Now/Where The Eff Are We???

I had a very interesting, amazing, awesometastic Saturday! I say that with absolutely no hint of sarcasm in case you were wondering. I'm one of those people that, when things don't go according to plan, even drastically, I count it as an adventure! I've had many such adventures and this was one of those times.

This trip was planned months ago. I recently started dating a guy I met my freshman year of college. He was there during some of my memorable college days adventures: the bus wreck, the 2 tornadoes, the flashflood, and my first broken bone are some honorable mentions. He lives near Cincinnati, OH and I live in Kentucky so it's a little bit of a long distance relationship. This trip was actually the first time we saw each other in person since we started dating. We, along with my 3 roommates, were going to meet at his apartment and go to the Cincinnati Zoo and also see some sights in the big city. None of us ladies had ever been to Cincinnati.

I must say, the zoo was the best zoo I've ever visited. I saw my first arctic fox and snow leopard there. My favorites tend to be the big cats and penguins. The lion exhibit was amazing. It wasn't labeled very well, which actually worked in our favor. We looked down a random path and were like "Wonder where this leads. Let's find out." We found my personal favorite, the lions! I am 4ft 9in. I have trouble seeing in crowds, but since the place wasn't labeled well, the crowd was small and I could see just fine. While we were there one of the lions stood up and started to roar. Of course I was transfixed. Lions are my favorite, have been since I was about 5 years old. Right after that I saw my first Manatee. I must say, the Manatee was fantastic. I could have stayed in that exhibit for hours. The underwater viewing area was very calming and worked wonders for my anxiety. We also checked out the insect exhibit. I knew it was going to be interesting and I wasn't disappointed lol. So many creepy crawlies. I did find a big glass container full of walking stick bugs. I'm a little strange. I am not afraid of spiders. I am afraid of centipedes and walking stick bugs. I got way too close to the glass before I realized what was inside! *Involuntary shiver* And some of those walking sticks were HUGE and the name for that particular variety suggested strongly that they could jump. Thanks for the nightmares Cincinnati Zoo.

There are 2 more things I'd like to say about the Cincinnati Zoo. First, we looked at the exhibit for the last carrier pigeon and my boyfriend pointed out to me that the building it was housed in was one of the original buildings for the Cincinnati Zoo. I find facts like that fascinating. It's like I get to personally encounter a piece of history. The other thing was the parking lot. I know, what could possibly be interesting about the parking lot? Well, a few weeks ago I came across a picture online of a parking lot with covered parking for cars. The parking spaces were shaded by solar panels! That's a double benefit and an inspiring idea. Cars don't get super hot and clean energy is harvested. The Cincinnati Zoo parking lot was exactly like that. I got so excited and had to explain my excitement to everyone. I mean, really, who gets excited about a parking lot?

It was after the zoo that things got really adventurous and interesting. My boyfriend wanted to show us a bit of the city. We got a bit more than we bargained for lol. That day just happened to be Comic Con and a Cincy Reds game day. Cars and people everywhere! I don't have much experience with big cities so the traffic jam didn't bother me at all. It gave me more time to take in the sights. It was very educational. I had assumed most cities were basically the same. Not so. Cincinnati is terrifying! We passed a lot of run down places with abandoned houses. The city beautification project had been around painting doors and covering windows. I found that slightly creepy. We also passed a heated yelling argument on the side of the road that involved a good sized group of people. It sounded and looked like any moment that fight was going to come to blows. It was a much bigger and rougher city than I currently live in. It was a place that you couldn't pay me to get out of the car and walk just a block on my own. I know we girls would have been freaking out if we were alone in the city without a guy. We would have hightailed it out of there fast. But we did have one guy and that made us all feel a bit more secure. I don't know how guys deal with feeling like they're in danger, especially if there are ladies present who are looking to the man for protection.

I must mention the awesome cop! We encountered a significant problem in the traffic jam. Cars crossing our road when they had the green light were blocking the intersection and when we got the green light, nobody could move forward. It was getting ridiculous when a cop showed up and stood on the street corner. He started raking people across the coals for daring to block the intersection. One man in particular got more than a mouthful from this cop. I guess the cop made an example of him because the intersection cleared up fast after that and we got to move forward. We had our windows down and shouted "THANK YOU!!" to the cop as we passed.

It was after awesome cop that we ran into trouble. One of my roommates has a great memory for turns and road names. I could not have remember so much. So, with tons of her help, this is what happened.

We took a wrong turn left onto 50E. It was the opposite direction from where we wanted to go. We took another left onto Torrence and tried to find a place to turn around. Funny enough, we passed a cul-de-sac and a parking lot where we could have turned around. One of my roommates didn't let those opportunities pass silently lol. She became quite the backseat driver and the exchanges between her and my boyfriend got funnier and funnier as we got deeper into this problem lol. We turned left onto a one way street connected to a parking lot and attempted to turn around there. Unfortunately the way the roads connected, that was impossible. Sad day. So we turned right on Madison instead and found ourselves headed back into the city. We did not need to be heading back into the city lol. After a few twists and turns we ended up on 8th street and then took a left onto Dalton. The road was closed. We were sooooo close to where we needed to be! We could see where we needed to be! We took a left and another left and encountered more closed road signs. This led to some colorful language in the car lol. We found ourselves confronted with a choice. We could turn back onto 8th or go downhill on a random road under the bridge. We needed to be on a lower level anyway to connect to 50W and it looked promising. We went with the random road. We followed the road under the bridge and ended up going under the bridge long ways. It look deserted and so shady it could give sunglasses a complex. It looked dangerous, scary, like a prime location to be murdered! All at once we just stopped and said "Nope.....nope, nope, nope, NOPE!" We promptly turned around with haste and got the heck out of Dodge! We took the right back onto 8th. It was at this moment that we all started to wonder if this was some sick game and if we would never get out of the city. Maybe we would just have to stay, settle down, and resume our lives here forever. It looked bleak. Hope was fizzling like a spent sparkler on the 4th of July. My boyfriend knew that we need to cross the railroad tracks to get to 50W. We were on the wrong side of the tracks haha! And oh how we knew it after that under the bridge incident. We took a right and attempted to find a way across the tracks. Finally. Success! We found a road that went, not over, but under the tracks. That was a little scary and sketchy looking but at least we were on the right track now lol. We found 50W!!!! We all collectively signed and started to relax. There was a feeling in the air of fist pumping and high fiving. We could taste freedom. Then we saw the detour sign. The relief started to spill out of us like air out of a balloon. Don't get me wrong, we had all been laughing our heads off, some people laughing so hard they cried. One of our number gave up and took a power nap. But we truly, honestly, really really did not want to have to live here because we couldn't find our way out! We got to a big decision moment. We could stay on 50W, even with the construction and see what happened or we could take the detour. Strange, you often don't get a choice like that. We chose to stay on 50W and hope. We all held our breath. 50W did not let us down. We made it out! We were alive and free to live the rest of our lives far away from that place! Hallelujah!!!

We made it to the William Henry Harrison Memorial without incident. It's the burial place of our 9th U.S. President. He gave the longest inaugural speech and served the shorted term as president. His speech lasted nearly 2 hours and his presidency lasted 32 days. His inauguration had taken place on a cold and wet day in March. He didn't wear a hat or an overcoat and rode on horseback instead of in a carriage. After his super long speech he was in a parade and then attended 3 balls. He got Pneumonia. He was the first U.S. President to die in office. According to my boyfriend, the U.S. flag that flies above his grave is never lowered to half mast because flags flying over the grave sites of former U.S. President are never lowered to half mast. I never knew that!

I must review my first (that I can remember) visit to Skyline Chili. We asked my boyfriend to take us to a local place. Cincy is known for 3 way chili. It's a recipe I grew up eating. It's spaghetti noodles, chili, and cheese. That was the version of spaghetti I knew as a child. I was excited to get to try out the restaurant that inspired one of my childhood favorite meals. Of course, I ordered the 3 Way. I took my first bite and I was home. It tasted just like my childhood! It really took me back! I rate it an A for Awesome!

Before I end this very loooooong post, I must mention something. On our way back home, we girls had our very own detour moment! We took an exit that we thought would take us to Winchester road, but instead it was an exit to a whole other road that took us to Winchester the city! It was at this point that we started to wonder if this day could possibly be real. Surely it was dream! But whose dream, we couldn't decide. The next exit wasn't particularly close either. We just had to ride it out and hope for the best. It was hilarious! Adventures are the best! Of course, we did eventually make it home. We were soooo happy to see our dear apartment!

Well, that was my crazy Saturday. I'll remember it fondly for years to come. :)

Thanks for reading!

-Kawika

 

    

You Have Committed Crimes Against Skyrim And Her People

What say I in my defense? I say I was framed! I was wrongfully charged! The punishment does not match the crime at least lol. This game won't stop glitching on me! Of course, I was finishing up a quest that landed me in prison for life because I stepped on the wrong people's toes. That was expected. It was easily remedied. I just killed the king of the Forsworn, took his key, and got the heck out of Dodge. Things got interesting after that. I was confronted with a series of glitches. First I was caught trespassing in Markarth. I sheathed my weapons and the guards did not attempt an arrest. They just tried to kill me. It was cute until the crazy lightning guy joined the battle. So, I'm running for my life all over the city. I enter my house and sleep. Lay low and hope it all blows over. I walk out of my house, hoping to at least get the chance to pay my 5 gold fine so I can walk down the street in peace. Nope. Stepped out of my house, arrows, angry voices, and the reappearance of crazy lightning guy.

I decided to leave town and see if maybe later they would reconsider their intense wish to kill me.

On the way to my main hub (Whiterun), I ran into another glitch. I see a deer in the distance. I'm an archer and craft a lot. I took out the deer, but while I'm walking up to collect the deer skin a crazy soldier comes out of nowhere and tries to annihilate me! It's an imperial soldier. I haven't offended them since whatever I did at the beginning of the game when they wanted to behead me. Maybe they changed their minds. I easily kill the mad man and then notice a noble on a horse, panicking. This soldier was the typical guard for the self important traveling noble. You see him periodically if you don't fast travel a lot. Now, what on earth did I do to make him randomly attack? As soon as I killed him, in self defense might I add, I was notified that I had a 1000 gold bounty for Whiterun. But he started it! Lol. It's not fair! I know, life's not fair. But this is a video game, not real life lol.

If that wasn't weird enough, I soon ran into the same exact glitch. Another bloodthirsty imperial soldier guarding a noble on horseback. What was going on?

Later, I bought a horse and made my way back to Markarth. The guards weren't happy to see me. But at least they attempted to arrest me instead of just execute me. Instead of the 5 gold fine, somehow I owed 1,400 something gold! Let me clarify that at no point during their attempted execution did I hit or kill anyone. The bounty for killing the imperial soldier was on my Whiterun tab. It was a blow to my wallet, but that's the price you pay for peace.

It didn't stop there. While successfully "borrowing" a horse from the stables in Whiterun, I was notified that I had a 40 gold bounty in Eastmarch. I was in Whiterun. Okay, so I was stealing a horse in Whiterun, but I didn't get caught. Why was I being fined in Eastmarch? I hadn't even visited Eastmarch in that file! Things were getting a bit too weird. After several more minutes of playing, my console promptly froze. This is always a sad moment, though it seems to happen frequently.

Glitches can be frustrating, entertaining, and sometimes helpful. This particular time was more amusing than anything else. Though that over 1000 gold fine for a 5 gold crime irritated me a little lol. Oh, and I got my revenge on crazy lightning dude! Though it happened through another glitch. He was waiting for me outside the city. When I walked up he asked me if I'd seen anyone entering or leaving this house. Huh? Sir, this is a city, not a house. I had encountered this quest in other files, so I knew what he was referring to, but that was weird and random. I recognize his name as the crazy lightning guy that had chased me through that same city not long before. He led me to the house. We discover an evil presence. Furniture flies all over the place. Lightning guy loses his cool when the disembodied voice tells us to kill each other and attacks me with his lightning again. I'm quicker and take him out with two arrows. Ha! That's what you get crazy lightning dude!

Can you tell it was my day off today?

So, I'm wondering. What are your interesting video game glitch stories? I'd love to hear them.

Thanks for reading! Who knows what my next post might be about lol.

-Kawika

Where Have My Dancing Shoes Gone?

So I've been reminiscing about my old dancing days. It's a mixed bag of fantastic memories and some sadness, a little bit of pain. I was a very very shy person in high school. I was nervous and would trip over my words if more than one person was looking at me when I was talking. Presentations in front of class were one of the most terrifying things I could imagine. I was not comfortable in my own skin. Most of my friends before college might not know this about me, but the personality I had most of my school years was a mask personality.

I will go a bit deep in this post, so for all my fellow survivors, here is your Trigger warning.

Things were not okay at home. From 5th grade to Senior year of high school, many days I would get off the school bus after school and face horrendous sexual abuse. It was my reality. It could happen at any moment. I usually didn't know I wasn't safe until the door was shut and I was blocked from exiting a room, or friendly wrestling took a drastic turn. I couldn't face what was happening. My mind could not process the fact that I was helpless, so instead I blamed myself for what happened. Instead of being myself, I had rigid rules for myself. I was so hard on myself. I picked up a quiet, organized, serious personality. That is actually the opposite of my true personality. I became an observer of life instead of someone who actually lived. It was horrible.

Then something changed Junior year of high school. My abuser laid off for a time. He pursued other interests in his life. The number of days between abuse sessions got bigger and bigger. I started to relax and my mask started to come off a little bit. My voice got louder, though still quiet. I got a little braver. Then of course the amazing class, Visual and Performing Arts, happened. This class was pulled out of my worst nightmares. You didn't just do presentations, you didn't just speak in front of class. You choreographed your own dances and danced them in front of class. You composed your own melodies and played them in front of class. You demonstrated music elements by actually singing in front of class. You acted in class. It pulled nearly everyone out of their comfort zones. It was uncomfortable and strangely liberating at the same time. Eventually the whole class just silently agreed that anything that happened in that class would never be mocked outside of class. We're talking choreographing ballet dances and performing them in front of class. Yeah.

Our teacher announced one day that he was starting a dance club. "Oh, extra torture, no thanks!" was my first thoughts on the subject. But I had a very persistent friend. Not going to mention any names but I've known him since we were 4 years old and in preschool. He came up to me and asked me if I was going to the first dance club meeting after school. I tried to dodge the subject, shake it off, even told him I probably wouldn't. My communication skills weren't nearly as straightforward as they are today. He asked me so many times if I was going that I lost count. Eventually, he wore me down and I gave in. Against all odds, I was there for that first dance club meeting. And the one after that. And the next one after that. In those meetings, I relaxed a bit more. I wasn't being graded or evaluated. I could just dance and have fun. I found out that I LOVE to dance. I was made to dance. Dancing woke up something inside me that until that moment was dormant. It unlocked the door to my self made cage and for a little while, I was just myself, free. Dancing felt right. It calmed and excited me at the same time. My nervousness and shyness just slipped away for a while. I literally got chills.

Funny how one thing leads to another thing. And that thing leads to yet another thing until you have a long line of events that lead to something you never imagined was possible. During one of those after school dance club meetings I got paired with the guy who would become my long term dance partner. He had performed in dance shows before and he really knew his stuff. I remember that first time we were paired together. By himself, he taught me how to dance the Swing dance. I can still hear his coaching "Triple step, triple step, rock step." One thing led to another and I found myself committed to performing in a next dance show. HUGE step for me. Dance meetings turned into dance practices. The more I learned, the more I practiced, the more I fell in love with dancing. I ended up dancing in two different dance shows, in front of the whole school, and other schools. Crazy how that happens.

How did I get to where I am today? I don't dance these days. I haven't really danced in years. Years and years. Why? It's a question I've asked myself a lot. But when I looked a little deeper into the why, I found myself pulling back because there was something deep and painful there. Besides a small ballroom dance class I took for my required physical activity credit in college, I haven't danced since high school. Not doing something you love takes a toll on you over the years. I guess a lot of different things happened in quick succession my Senior year of high school.

The night before the first day of school my dad came into my room and told me that police had found my uncle wrecked on the side of the road. He was already gone when they found him. This was a huge blow. I was so close to my uncle. I opened up with him in ways I didn't open up with anyone else. I had been super excited about getting off the school bus after my first day of school and telling him all about my day. All of a sudden, that couldn't happen. It could never happen again.

That January, my abuser broke his long break from abusing me. It happened so suddenly. It felt unreal. My world was crashing down around me. That night my boyfriend at the time convinced me that I had to tell an adult about what was happening. It wasn't going to stop happening. He didn't get off the phone until I promised him I would tell someone, immediately, before my abuser could get a hold of me again. After he hung up he and his family prayed for me. It was a terrible night. My parents went nuts. I don't even want to go into how crazy things got. That's around the time that my PTSD hit me like a Mack truck. All of a sudden I was afraid of a million and one things. Every boy and man was terrifying to me. I couldn't relax, ever. I wasn't okay and I couldn't hide it anymore. Add to that some unsupportive family members, some harsh words, some sweeping under the rug, the sudden end of a relationship that I treasured deeply, and a crazy jump into living in college dorms where I could be safe, but where I actually struggled with worse PTSD, depression, anxiety, and serious thoughts of suicide. It marked the beginning of the darkest years of my life. Those dark years didn't end until nearly 3 years ago.

On the other side of those dark years I am not the shy, cautious girl I was in high school. Through so much healing work and facing my past, my true personality broke through the mask for good. These days my voice is louder than it ever was before. My motions bigger. My facial expressions unrestrained. I laugh comfortably and loudly. I'm actually a witty person and a bigger nerd than ever. That's saying something when you consider that I was also in the chess club in high school lol. On top on that, a few months ago something clicked inside me and I started to understand innuendo. It really threw my cousins for a loop when I understood their jokes, and laughed at them. I laughed so hard I cried! All of a sudden, jokes like that weren't threatening to me anymore.

I've made so much progress, but why have I not started dancing again? I'm still stuck there. There's still a deep wound there and I don't quite understand it and when I examine it it stings. I think about dancing and I feel like crying. Maybe that's a sign that I'm close to bringing this to the surface and healing. I don't know. I sure hope so. I signed up to serve on my church's dance team. I have to face this stuff. I refuse to be robbed of something I love by just not challenging the pain. It's worth it and need to keep reminding myself that I'm worth it. I can't wait to put on my dancing shoes again and rock out on the dance floor, whether that dance floor is the stage at church or my kitchen. When you're passionate about something, you gotta pursue it. Why wouldn't you?

The Spark That Caught The World On Fire

Do you ever have times in your life when you don't understand yourself? I don't know if it's a common or rare thing. I've been going through a period of time where I don't quite understand myself. I can't figure myself out. My own heart and mind is a mystery to me and it's driving me crazy. It's like I'm stuck with all the emotions and next to no facts to go with them. I just feel a deep ache on the inside. I'm not depressed. There's some sadness there and regret, but it's mixed with hope and good memories. There's something I'm passionate about that has been set to the side for a long time. While the passion in me is still alive, I'm not sure that it can survive. It's like I've discovered a small spark inside me that, once discovered, jumped right back into being a flame again. But I don't know if that flame can live. Should I smother it now? If I don't it could be stomped into the ground and extinguished. I don't know if I could bear that. But it almost feels worse to kill it off myself and never know if it could have thrived.

I speak in metaphors a lot. I'm just so unsure of what to do. I wish I could just borrow God's eyes for a moment and look at my heart. He knows exactly what's there even if I don't. If I could just see it plainly, know my own heart for a moment, I think I would know what to do. As it stands right now, I don't have a clue. If I could know my own heart, no matter what it said, I would be confident and know what to do. No risk would be too great because I would know what I really wanted and I would try. Reach for the stars even if I fall, I would rather fail than never try.

My Cover Has Been Blown!

So yeah, I just slipped to a friend of mine that I have a blog. That's just more evidence to the fact that over the years I've come more and more out of my shell and gotten in touch with my extravert side. A lot of people knew about my first blog, Simply Life by Faith. I shared it on Facebook and told people about it. This blog has been flying under the radar since I started it. I haven't "gone public" with my new blog. Not even with my roommates! I have a new blog and I changed my screen name. I got tired of the confusion with the 2 possible meanings of my old screen name, 2 very different meanings lol. I wanted a clean slate and I went for it. My first blog is still online and available to be read. Posts range from early 2011 to not too long ago. I dropped off after a while when things got really hard in my life. I came back rarely to write out my feelings. It's not easy to read, it's really emotional. . . I'm feeling a random subject change coming on. . .

Assassin Training Update!

After taking it easy for three days and just completing my 2 small daily quests, I have made a full recovery and jumped back into my strength training today! Hooray! I really really overdid it that first time. Who knew that going from terribly out of shape and never exercising to doing circuits of 20 squats, 20 lunges, 10 push ups, etc would be too much? I thought I was being careful. What I didn't know was that the sore muscles don't come until the next day. So this time I scaled down the numbers. I'll know tomorrow if I under or overestimated lol. I love how Nerd Fitness makes something so hard to do so easy and actually really fun. I just realized how terrifying of an idea a hobbit assassin is lol!

I spent a good chunk of my day watching my roommates' playing Skyrim. I guess I contributed more hours to it than I had thought. I have the crazy ability to look up at the screen during any given moment and know where in Skyrim they are and what quest they're on and often where they're stuck. I've given directions to them to find places without needing to look at the map. I would be impressed with myself, but then I remember that in the real world, I don't know my city or even apartment complex as well as I know the landscape of Skyrim.

I haven't been playing Skyrim lately. I have been putting my energies into Super Smash Bros. Brawl. I seriously consider it training. I have a possible appearance on a Let's Play coming up for the new Super Smash Bros. for Wii U. I am so out of practice and I will be representing all girl gamers out there. I can't let my fellow girl gamers down! We are a rare and beautiful phenomenon and we can really kick butt whether we're fighting dragons, goombas, badniks, zombies, the flood, ReDeads, creepers, or just simply disobeying the narrator in The Stanley Parable.

Well, I think I've reached my cut off point. Since my new job has me starting at 6am I need to get a head start on the whole going to sleep earlier so I can function at dawn thing lol.

Thanks for reading!

Assassin Training

A good friend of mine shared a quote from his pastor on one of his podcasts. The quote was: "Anything God does spiritually through you happens through your body. Why would you not want to take care of it?" It really reached out and grabbed my attention. I had never thought about it that way before. I am not really anywhere near what would be considered fit or healthy. I've fought with weight gain and health problems. I'm a woman so of course this whole area is a constant emotional battle. But my friend also had another good point. We as a society place so much emphasis on looks and not so much on health. That made me realize that I also have approached this whole health and fitness issue from a looks perspective. Hearing his thoughts on the subject was like a breath of fresh air. Looks are here today and gone tomorrow. Life is so short. Why be so concerned with what other people think? What's really important is my health and relationship with God. I never want my choices and habits to stand in the way of my relationship with God.

So what did I do. Thinking the right thoughts is only part of the battle. I can think all day but it really comes down to what am I going to do about it. I didn't let it stop with just thoughts this time. I took action. I found a little something online called Nerd Fitness. Being the gamer and nerd that I am, the whole concept of relating fitness to leveling up your life and turning life into a big video game really appealed to me. I took the step and signed up. I get daily emails full of useful information, encouragement, and quests. I have now completed several quests and I really like this whole system. I'm feeling hopeful about my health and fitness for the first time in a long time. I'm taking it one day at a time, one quest at a time. I actually did my first strength training workout yesterday. I'm really feeling it today. In my enthusiasm I overdid it. My muscles are so sore today that when I got to the bottom step of my stairs, I looked up and wondered how I was going to get to the top lol. Despite that, I'm not discouraged. I'm encouraged by my determination that caused me to overdo it. If I can push through a workout and accidentally do too much, it's not a stretch to believe that I can actually do this. I made a mistake, but now I'm better informed and therefore better prepared for next time.

Nerd Fitness, in the mission to turn life and especially fitness into a big video game, involves choosing your race and class, just like in an RPG. Okay, so race isn't something you can really choose. Based on the criteria, I am a Hobbit. Not surprised there. When you're only 4 ft 9in you come to expect it lol. But your class is entirely up to you and what you want to become. I chose assassin. Assassins are the type to look at the world as a giant playground. Think of Assassin's Creed. For a short time at the beginning of college I was skinny and I was climbing everything I came across. It was so much fun rediscovering how to climb trees, fences, and anything that I could pull myself up onto. When you weigh less that list of climbable things grows to an impressive length. I can't wait to get back to that.

Well, this post will be cut short due to my roommates insistence that I surrender the computer so we can watch Big Brother.

I really need to think of a cool thing to say at the end of my posts lol. Also, thank you to a certain red haired friend of mine. You're creative titles in your Let's Play videos has inspired me.

Our Hope and Our Mission

I haven't figured out how often I want to post on here. I would like to come up with a regular schedule for that, but knowing me I'll do everything but the schedule I land on. So maybe it's safer to just not have a plan right now. I'm one of those creative, unorganized types if you haven't figured that out from my first post lol.

A lot happened yesterday and not so much today so I'll probably talk more about yesterday. Yesterday the capital "C" Church just blew me away! My church is going through a rough time these past two weeks. We've lost our lead pastor and our executive pastor. It's a big church with multiple pastors. It wasn't an instance of our pastors choosing to serve somewhere else. It was more of one of those moments that makes your heart hurt, anger boil, and really challenges your already shaky ability to trust. Originally our church staff, governing board, elders, and remaining pastors didn't know how our church would react. An emergency meeting of church leaders and members was called. I'm a member, so I was there and saw this first hand. One of our pastors read out from the stage the statement that was later posted on our church website of the incident. I could feel the waves of disbelief and numbness wash over us all. We were all listening hard and I think we were all listening for the same thing because when he got to a certain part of the statement we all jumped to our feet. That part was "We remain utterly committed to the mission of transforming unconvinced people into wholehearted followers of Jesus." It was like a bomb went off in the auditorium! A 500 strong crowd jumped to its feet and cheered and clapped. I saw the looks on our pastors' faces. This was not the reaction they had been expecting at all. It was a moment that I will treasure. I was and am so proud of my church. Our main concern was the mission that God gave us. We weren't a crowd of people mindlessly following some charismatic leaders. We were truly changed, on fire people with hearts beating as one for the gospel of Jesus. From that moment, our church has been stronger, closer, and more unified.

Of course, that was the leader and member meeting. Our church averages an attendance of around 5,000 people on our weekend services across our 4 campuses. I was serving this weekend on speaker support, so I got to attend all 3 of our services. I'm so proud of my leaders. They got back up on that stage for every service and read out the statement. We were not going to sweep this under the rug. We were going to be honest, transparent, and address the truth. I was holding my breath, daring to hope. At the same moment, same part of the statement about being committed to the mission, the people in that auditorium jumped to their feet and cheered, just like we did in that leader/member meeting. It happened every single service. What's more, we had more people attend this weekend than I can ever remember! We were parking cars in the field next to our building because we ran out of parking spaces!!! Our intermittent lead pastor shared with us that many local churches had been praying for us. Two of them even driving around in our parking lot during the week, praying. An outpouring of prayer and support came from our partner churches and local christian schools. What you would expect to kill a church, instead made us stronger and pulled together the capital "C" Church. I could feel it in the air. Jesus is here, taking something horrible and turning it around for good for His Church (Romans 8:28). We're still grieving over this tragedy, but we don't grieve as people who have no hope. We're bursting with hope. I can't wait to see what Jesus is going to do next!

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates . . .

So, how to begin. Now that I've finally made the leap of starting this new blog it looks like I'll have to actually find something to talk about. Since this is a first post and introductory that shouldn't be too hard. I'm not ready to make the leap of giving out my real name, it's a bit unique. So in fitting with the title of this blog and my screen name I'll refer to myself by my middle name, Kawika. That's pronounced with the "w" sounding like a "v." Kawika is a Hawaiian name. If you do your research you'll discover that Kawika is the Hawaiianized version of the name David. Yes, I am female. Yes, my parents gave me a boy's name. But if you research the name David, you'll find that it means "Beloved." Therefore, Kawika means "Beloved." I think it's beautiful and it also makes me feel better lol.

What will I be talking about in this blog? Well, a bit of everything. In my previous blog, Simply Life by Faith, I wrote about topics ranging from light-hearted to heavy and deep. Being a female I don't compartmentalize well and this blog will likely be a mixture. I don't shy away from talking about God or hard issues like mental illness. This is not a blog for the faint of heart. But there will be plenty of fun mixed in. Just like in life, everything is mixed together. Life hands us things in a jumble, not in organized packages. Just like Forrest Gump said, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." This blog will be similar and that's not a bad thing.

It would have made a lot of sense for me to just continue posting in my previous blog, seeing as my approach to blogging hasn't changed. However, it has been a very long time since I really wrote in my blog and I was looking for a fresh start. Life is a journey and my life has changed drastically since I started that blog. I thought that since God has been teaching me about love and how much He loves me, Simply Loved would be a good title. That's what I've been discovering lately. I grew up hearing that God loves me. I took Him up on His offer 13 years ago and surrendered to His love and gave Him my life. The insane thing about God is His love is so deep and so overflowing that after 13 years of walking with Him, I'm still learning more about His love. It's so deep there is no end.

So I think I'll end this first post with a list of possible and probable topics so you know what you're getting into. I'll be writing about:

God
The Church
Ministry
Video Games
Comics and Books
Nerd Culture
Dr. Who
Anime
Movies
Arts
Music
Gardening
Sustainable Living
Health and Fitness
Psychology and Mental Disorders
The demons of our pasts (ex. past abuse, unhealthy patterns)

It probably doesn't clear up much. Like I said, I'll be writing about everything. So stay tuned and thank you for reading my blog.

I gotta think of a cool catchphrase and put it here. Suggestions are welcome!