Do you ever have times in your life when you don't understand yourself? I don't know if it's a common or rare thing. I've been going through a period of time where I don't quite understand myself. I can't figure myself out. My own heart and mind is a mystery to me and it's driving me crazy. It's like I'm stuck with all the emotions and next to no facts to go with them. I just feel a deep ache on the inside. I'm not depressed. There's some sadness there and regret, but it's mixed with hope and good memories. There's something I'm passionate about that has been set to the side for a long time. While the passion in me is still alive, I'm not sure that it can survive. It's like I've discovered a small spark inside me that, once discovered, jumped right back into being a flame again. But I don't know if that flame can live. Should I smother it now? If I don't it could be stomped into the ground and extinguished. I don't know if I could bear that. But it almost feels worse to kill it off myself and never know if it could have thrived.
I speak in metaphors a lot. I'm just so unsure of what to do. I wish I could just borrow God's eyes for a moment and look at my heart. He knows exactly what's there even if I don't. If I could just see it plainly, know my own heart for a moment, I think I would know what to do. As it stands right now, I don't have a clue. If I could know my own heart, no matter what it said, I would be confident and know what to do. No risk would be too great because I would know what I really wanted and I would try. Reach for the stars even if I fall, I would rather fail than never try.
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