This week has been a mixture of good and pain. Such a crazy mixture that makes no sense. I have confidence again. I feel more solid and just more myself this week. My anxiety is so low. It's awesome! I don't know how my anxiety is low. With the past 2 weeks that I've had, it should be a bit higher than normal. But no, I'm finding myself speaking up more and just being spontaneously myself. It just feels like Jesus took all my prayers and all the crazy parts of my life and made them make sense again. Up is up and down is down again. What doesn't make sense is that so much is still happening in my life and I'm finding challenges around every corner. I've had conversations with people that have hurt me in the past and I haven't gone off into anxietyland. That's rare and it makes me feel so strong. To face a huge PTSD trigger and not get triggered is one of the best feelings for someone who has freaked out over much smaller triggers.
It's such a weird dual reality, being happy and sad at the same time. I'm happy because I'm not struggling with anxiety. I'm being myself and that's something I've missed since I had that last bad PTSD episode. I'm sad because with the clarity came a realization that was painful. The heart is so hard to understand and pretty much impossible to control. You can't make your heart feel something that's not there and you can't remove something that is there. You just can't force your heart. With my realization came an action step that I had to take, not just for my sake. It was hard. I think it's one of the hardest things I've ever done. Nobody ever tells you that when you end a relationship with someone you care deeply about, it breaks a part of your heart, even when you're the one to initiate it and only feel friendship for that person. It breaks your heart because you care so much about that person. You want only good for that person. What hurts so bad is in order to do the loving thing, you have to first do something that hurts the other person, because they deserve more than what you can give them. Friendship is a powerful force of love in its own right, but in a relationship, it's not fair to the other person to stay if friendship is the only force of love. It hurt like heck. I am not happy. I am not bouncing around rejoicing the return of my singleness. I'm sad because in order to love a friend well, I had to hurt that friend.
So yeah, gosh, I'm single again and my family will be pulling out their mourning clothes after reading this. My family was so happy when I told them I was in a relationship. For some of them, it was shear relief that I wasn't a lesbian like they had begun to suspect. Apparently when you go 6 years without having a boyfriend, people begin to wonder if you're even into men. It shocked me to hear their fears, but I set them straight. No pun intended lol. I am once again the spinster of the family. The future is just as unknowable as ever.
In other news, I have started watching classic Doctor Who and really digging it! It's so different and the same thing at the same time! One thing I have noticed is the Doctor is not running from the next thing to the next thing like he's being timed. He's just kinda chilling. Each reincarnation of him is a little different and I love that about the Doctor. The older episodes have such a classy feel to them, like watching an old, well loved classic movie. Speaking of the Doctor, I literally hear the Tardis every day at work. I'm still trying to discover the source of that unique sound. It's possible that it's a ringtone, but if so it's a very powerful and consistent one. I've hurriedly turned corners looking for the source of the noise and I've yet to see someone whipping their phone out of their pocket. It sounds like it's coming from the ceiling. I will, of course, keep investigating this phenomenon. Speaking of work, did you know that there is a such thing as make up for your legs? I was stocking make up today for 4 hours. I know nothing about the stuff but, do people really put it on their legs???
Well, that's all I got this time. Thanks for reading.
-Kawika
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