It's funny the way God works sometimes. I've said before that I have PTSD. Because of my disorder I have had a lot of trouble feeling safe around men. I used to be completely terrified of men. I couldn't trust them or relax around them. Now I find myself working with 95% men. Where am I working, you might ask. I am working in the auto industry. I never saw that one coming. I've been curious and interested but I never saw it actually happening. I studied psychology and religion in college. My family hoped for me to go into the medical field and I thought I was going into the mental health field. Now cars lol. God works in mysterious and amazing ways.
I must say, with my PTSD you would think that my days would be filled with anxiety with so many men around. But the opposite has happened. I get so many safe vibes from so many men! It's really encouraging to feel safe around men. I've missed having male presence in my life. For so many years I've avoided men and surrounded myself with women. But there's something that only men can bring to the table. There's a strength there that's different from the strength of a woman and human beings need both of those strengths. I know God is using this to heal me and I'm very encouraged by this progress.
This job has also been great for my confidence in general. When I first started working I was quiet and nervous, slow to trust people. I was very nervous driving the company cars. I'm an auto parts delivery driver. It took a little bit to adjust to the relaxed atmosphere (soooo different from retail!). I also steadily started to gain confidence behind the wheel. Driving is something I knew I could do. However, I live in a city and traffic up here is a constant challenge and often a death trap. I was unfamiliar with the section of the city that I driving in. It was also December and I believe I've already stated that December is my hardest month with anxiety. Also, it's company policy for delivery drivers to back into parking spaces. I swore off driving in reverse unless absolutely necessary when I moved to the city. I could do it and do it well in the countryside where I'm from, but the city was a whole different ball game.
Fast forward to January. I'm relaxed in the crazy traffic that I encounter nearly every day. It does nothing to my anxiety level. I'm learning the layout of the city. My mental map is constantly being updated. This road over here somehow connects to this area of town that I'm familiar with and this shortcut will get me to the interstate the fastest. This updating knowledge, by itself, is a huge confidence booster. I know where I am and where I'm going, most of the time anyway. The practice with backing into parking spaces is showing amazing results. I've gotten some of my old confidence back. It's different in the city, but the muscle memory is coming back. But that's not the best part!
One day I clocked in at work and checked the key drawer. We have several company cars and several drivers. All the keys for the cars were taken. What was left? A key for the truck. I had never driven a truck in my entire life. I wasn't even sure I could reach the pedals and see over the steering wheel at the same time. I'm a staggering 4 ft 9in tall. My manager laughed and told me to take it for a spin and see how I do. So I did. It's funny the things you discover about yourself. I'm a natural at driving a truck! I got into that truck and drove it easier and better than I drive my own car! It was fun too! Trucks lift you up off the road a bit more and I could see everything! A few days later, I found myself driving the big truck. Not the small truck, the big truck. We're talking a Ford F150 XL. I literally have to climb into the cab. My feet don't reach the floor when I drive. But I can drive it and drive it well! I'll admit, my first time in the big truck I did let out an evil laugh when I pulled out for the first time. You feel powerful driving something that big. Feeling powerful is something I'm not used to feeling, so it put a big smile on my face. I felt so confident!
That's all for now! Thank you for reading, and until next time __________________________.
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-Jerelle
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